Crazyness

Soo. My week. :]

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 02:29:30 GMT

Hey, again. I finally managed to come back. I have found some free time, well I'm missing my show Lie To Me but it's alright I guess. I need to blog and I feel better about school work mainly because I understand what is going on in math class. Other than that my stress level this week has been on crazy extremes.

To start the week off was an amazing Sunday morning and afternoon and partial evening. I got to hang out with some awesome friends such as Alyssa, Trent, Brett, Andrew then later was Becky, and Matt. Well I think things started forming in a negative atmosphere when we were playing Frisbee at church about 3:30. I can't throw the Frisbee at a normal speed in a closed in space because we were so close together. People were getting aggravated with me throwing it away from them or something like that. So I got to the point I would make people run for it, if they wanted it. Or if I were lucky I would try to hit them with the Frisbee. ^_^ Alyssa fell down backwards, I have no idea how. I hit Becky once and almost a few more times.

[skips dt and evening service] After the business meeting everyone decides to go to Zaxby's. This is usually my cue to go straight home because I never really have money or care to go there. I don't like chicken, long story sorta. So this was my mistake for the night or the cause of sadness for my week. It didn't get bad for me until after everyone was eating and conversing and such. (I ordered a plate of fries :] haha) Becky, Trent, and Alyssa were basically calling me strange and other names or implying them towards me. I couldn't think of anything else to say. I mean, I was acting normal trying to cut up with people, be random and make people laugh. I finally felt comfortable with everyone to expose this much of my inner me to them. Then when that came towards me I felt attacked. After that my socialness towards everyone just dwindled to nothing. :/ Everyone kept talking, we eventually migrated our group to standing outside the building. I felt shunned from the group because Matt kept making the circle smaller. Becky and Alyssa kept laughing and well everyone was ignoring me pretty much. I didn't try to say much because I knew it wouldn't fit in to the group's conversation. One other thing that stung was something when Becky was asking people that never text her back. I said that I text back and she gave a look and said something. :/ (*Thinking to self, "Sorry...."*) I just felt emotionally, verbally, and nonverbally attacked by B, A, and T. (wow, BAT...haha didn't go for that effect.)

They didn't know it though, they couldn't see it. It hurt me so much inside, I have no idea why though. Probably because I felt shunned and made fun of by people I have grown to like the past couple of months. Almost like the time when mum said something like she didn't love me anymore or I wasn't her son but that's a different story. So yeah. Monday morning comes around and I still have no life in my face. I got to school early for once. Arrive at school about 9:10ish. Well I remember sitting in front of my classroom door about 9:15 A.M. Some other people come in and Amanda, Rebecca, and Jessica come in off the elevator. I was happy to see them but my face didn't show it. They were talking and stuff and noticed that I was staring down at the floor with no emotion in my face. I was seriously blank. -_- Becca made me laugh though when she layed all over the floor to ask what was wrong with me. If you only saw what she was wearing lol. I would describe it but I don't want to sound like a perve.

Well that day got better. Brett texted me later that day to remind me for viewing at his house like every Monday night or at Becky's. I didn't go because I didn't want to be around Becky or Alyssa or Trent (I knew Trent wasn't going because he was tired from his job). Becky texted me before Chuck began asking me where I was but I didn't reply. I know it sounds retarded but I was mad. :/ I sorta ignored her tonight at choir practice. Brett cheered me up some tonight, whether he knew it or not. His crazy singing cracking me up.

So yeah Wednesday. Today was pretty cool. I got to eat an amazing lunch at Scott's. Mmmmm an amazing cheeseburger, they forgot the mustard but I didn't care and the fries were a very nice compllment to the cheeseburger. :] After that got back to school for acting class and things were nice. We watched people do cold reads for their scenes and then Dr. Downs actually let us leave early. Lizzy and I tried to work on our scene to break it down into beats but she can never focus much when we're together. We're always talking about something else.

So College Algebra was actually decent today! I actually knew what was going on, which I loved. I still didn't want to look at my teacher. Because he threatened in the last class period to drop some people out of class. I'm pretty sure that I was one of them because he looked in that direction. :/ So I made sure to do my homework, I just have another page or two to finish. After that class was 4-H meeting. :] It was good, I was thrown some news that I may be able to go to the National Collegiate 4-H Conference in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Because this other girl backed out and didn't want to go. All I would have to do is to pay for my plane ticket, there and back. I call mum on the way back home and she said no and to ask father. I call father. Well short story shorter (Mrs. Wiegert always said that) neither one of them had the money for it on such short notice. So yeah I could have been packing my bags and be on an airplane in 14 something hours. Oh well. I just hope things get better. :/

Behind the mask

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 01:52:01 GMT

Here I am again, sharing my life, my soul with the world to see. Hopefully it won't in return hurt me. I sound stupid for saying this all the time, but at least it makes me feel better inside, somewhat.

First off to start. I had an amazing amazing day. I truly did. I woke up at 7 and took Rachel to school early, so I could get more sleep before I had to shower and get ready for school. So I went back and slept till 8. Got ready then left at 8:50ish. Get to school about 9:15ish and pass by Walker Hall and see Michael, Ton, Ashanta, and Alyssa. Ton was giving out some Asian candy, which was pretty awesome. Alyssa told me that she wasn't staying for the rest of the day after her first class. So no BCM for lunch today. :( She hugged me and said she was sorry and I told her that I was going to go home after badminton class anyway. Since the play is this week, Dr. Downs cancelled all her classes for today because of opening night for the play. I walk/run to the Wellness Centre and then find out by a guy in my badminton class, that class was cancelled. I was so ecstatic about this, I was thinking on the way there that it would be nice to have that class cancelled and to my relief it was. :] I mean I did want to go because we were going to start doing doubles.

So I walk back to my car and drive all the way back to e-town. Once I get to the house, I go in and turn on the TV and it was Dr. Phil. Some show about this occult in Texas. It was pretty interesting but still really strange. I was watching/listening to this as I was cleaning my bathroom. I was scrubbing the tub/shower and my sink. I haven't had much time the past couple of months to do this. :/ I had to open the bathroom window, to release a lot of the fumes and it helped out a lot since it was warm outside. After the suds are gone and the counters and mirrors shine I go downstairs to make some lunch, this was at 11. I cook some hot dogs and pork n' beans, one of my favourites to make and really easy at, too. I check the mail during this time of waiting for the hot dogs to cook. After slicing and dicing the hot dogs and adding them into the beans I head upstairs to watch some more TV. This time The Price Is Right comes on with Drew Carey as the host. I watch this while eating and some of the people were cracking me up so much. I was laughing really loud as oppose to the end of the day. It really made me smile, at those crazy people on there.

After I finish eating and bringing my bowl downstairs I take down some dark clothes to wash. I put them in the washer and return back upstairs to make up mum's bed and then mine. I then go outside to get ready to wash the red car. It was so dirty from going down the dirt road to daddy's house this weekend. It didn't take me long to wash it, I've gotten quicker at washing cars the past month or two. I decide to water some of the flowers. They were really dry and I know that mum hasn't bothered to touch them because she's been working all week. So I took some time to water them. As the last drops of water flood out the end of the hose I'm already up inside the house getting ready to leave back to school for my 2 o'clock Geology class. I leave and have my camera ready. I've started to take pictures lately of the autumn foliage and it's some amazing stuff, I love it. I pull into campus with some time to spare to get to class early. Class goes by real well, it was a lot of stuff into 4 1/2 hours but I liked it all the same. :]

I took some more pictures on the way back home. I need to get better at doing this. I was getting some good shots before the last rays of setting sunlight beamed down, this is the epitome of daytime for aesthetic creations in the eye of the beholder. So I didn't get back to mums house till about 5:30. It was quiet inside as usual, Rachel wasn't there. Mum was as always in her royal throne bedchamber. I walk up the stairs quietly and come into her room before I set my stuff aside and she asks to talk to me. So I go to put my book-bag, wallet, watch, and iPod Touch in my room. I come back in and she lectures me for how she wants to start saving for her retirement. I nod. She then gets a bit angry because she names out a number of things that she pays for me. All that I really see is the car payment and insurance. She hardly buys any food and when there is food, she doesn't eat it unless her boyfriend, John, is here.

I lay on her bed watching TV, it was the 5 the end of the 5 o'clock news and then Andy Griffith came on. She gets aggravated with me in her presence. She is talking to John on the phone about her financial status. She gets angry about something because I'm apparently not paying her much attention. She gets angry at me and yells lots of stuff out towards me. I go down the stairs. She gets to the point where she slams her brand new door for her bedroom. I say that I didn't understand what she meant. She comes back yelling again and saying more stuff, that honestly didn't make any sense to me. She jumped from one thought to the other in random order like in a dadaist ostentation. She gets angry at me because I am not understanding what exactly she is saying or meaning. So she gets mad and goes back to her room. I overhear her say something really hurtful so I go in the living room, to the left of the staircase, to cry.

I felt so confused and helpless all the same. She came to about the middle of the staircase with the light on, I could tell by her voice and how it resonated through the hall. I sat curled up on the couch crying my eyes out while she yelled at me, "Pack your bags. You're going to your dads house...since he hung up the phone on me. You're not bringing your computer with you either!". I don't say anything in return for a long while past. She screams other things towards me, "You're no child of mine. I don't love you anymore, not like I used to. You are stupid and no good at anything, you will never amount to anything. You are so stupid and wasting your time getting a degree in theatre. It won't help you out and you will be poor. I told you to go to school as a doctor, so you could rake in the money. But no you're just like your father, not wanting to listen. What you want to do is like a football player wants to get to being famous. It's a one in a million chance and you're not the one who will get to that place. You are wasting your time doing what you do. You volunteer all your time and all you think about is yourself. You are so selfish and lazy and I'm tired of it. Get out of my house."

What could I say to this? I couldn't say anything back nor keeps the tears back from falling down my face. It was hard to do. She also said, "Grow up! You need a diet plan and to work out so you can get muscles. You are so skinny it's pathetic. You are going to look so bad when you get in your 20-30's." She later told me that I needed to stop crying as she shut her door upstairs. I had not cried this much in a long time, probably a few years maybe or less. My face was so red, so were my eyes. My nose was a runny mess, getting everywhere. Once she was gone I went to blow my nose and try to clean up my face. I didn't want to go to choir and have people asking questions why my eyes were red. So I went to go play piano to calm my nerves. This was about 6:25, I sat at the piano and tried my best to play some of my favourite songs to get me back into the "happy/normal" me. I messed up, my fingers fell off the keys and hit the wrong ones and to me the notation looked like black blobs in my clear jelly tear filled eyes. It hurt to keep from crying but not playing to release what was inside hurt even more. I eventually finished with the long song and played three others.

Mother burst in and yelled at me to stop playing piano and to go upstairs and to hand her the keys to the red car, so I couldn't go anywhere. Mum was trying to turn off the lamp over the piano and yelling that playing piano was a waste of time and that it wouldn't pay off anywhere down the road. She went upstairs, where she thought I went. I had walked into the dark kitchen waiting for her to say something. Because it was time for me to leave to go to church for choir practice, where I know I needed to be and desperately wanted to be. She marched across the floors yelling this and that then came down looking for me demanding that I hand over the keys. I said no because I had to go to choir, she got mad and said not until I washed the dishes. So I did. She watched me do it, too. I can't stand to wash dishes when I'm being forced to and observed like a dying animal in the desert sun with the malnourished scavenger birds hunt overhead. I grudgingly washed her dirty dishes with the paranoia over my shoulder. I finished them while be lectured at more and more. She let me go to choir but before I left she made me hug her. I walked out the door to the car silent as a mute. I had no words left to say, what could I or should I say to her after all of that? I got in the car and as usual looked for a song to listen to on my iPod Touch. I left the driveway slowly around the corner and down the road. I probably went to slow. I tried not to cry anymore because I knew that I was going to church.

I pull up in the church parking lot, second to the right of the basketball goal. I make my way towards the church doors to go inside, to hopefully feel better. I get to the choir room and is a little lost as to what I'm actually suppose to do because we had to go into the Sanctuary for practice. So I go to retrieve my books and make my way down below and walk in, surprised by all the people. I looked like I had just saw the face of death. Later when I got home I saw how sunken my eyes were and how different they looked. I walked in front of everyone to get to my seat, underneath Mr. Clay's direction. I get to my seat in the middle of the song Joy In The House. Brett asks me what's wrong. I knew he was just curious and trying to be nice. I told him a lot of stuff. I hate it when people ask how are you and you want to make the conversation short and say good, when in fact you know that you're lying because you don't want to draw attention to yourself. I just whisper, "I have to much stuff going on." He didn't really say much after that because he could tell that I wasn't how I normally am. I felt like my aura had dipped in a glacier lake and not like the warm basking sun filled spirit I usually am or try to be. I amazingly got threw the songs, singing them without crying. I almost did quite a few times. Because the songs were pulling on my heart strings so much. I'm surprised no one else around me asked me what was wrong. I was glad that Brett did though, gave me a sense that people did care and that I do belong. Throughout all of practice I didn't have much of the heart to look at Mr. Clay directing the songs because I felt so bad inside, heart, torn apart, not knowing what next to expect. I did feel better leaving than I did arriving though. I tried to leave the crowd unnoticed so I could leave faster. I bumped into a few people on the way back downstairs.

Walking outside I saw Becky and she said hey. I replied back to her "hey" as well. My voice was half the volume it normally is. I was so drained not from singing but from earlier at mums house. So I kept walking, not looking to see if Becky was going to say anything else or not. I walked back to my car along the cobble-like sidewalk, waited for a car to go by and then crossed the street. I picked another song on shuffle to listen to, and then backed up and left. I got home and walked inside quietly as a mouse. I didn't have any words left to say or that needed to be said. I listened to some of mums phone conversation, something about her uncle dying. I'm not sure if I ever met him. She told Rachel and I that we were going to go to his funeral Saturday, way way away somewhere in Alabama. So I get to my laptop, and thinking that I will finally get able to write about my day in this blog, about midway through this paper my mother bursts in as to see what I'm doing. I quickly flash my screen to the dashboard, I should've hit another desktop screen first. She was eyeing down what I was doing like a hawk and I tried to show her the paper that I had to go by for doing my oral report for Theatre History. She then started poking my arm, and I always get jumpy and I freak out when she touches me like a shoulder poke. Gives me bad memories of when people would jump out and scare me, so I get paranoid, never knowing what is behind me. Mum got mad at me and said that I was a freak and insane. I'm sorry but I don't like it when people get all up in my face, personal space, asking me what I'm doing. It drives me to the point of insanity almost but not quite. She then goes on another lecture type speech saying this and that. She basically said the same as before. I'm wasting my time getting a degree in theatre and lots of other stuff. She then enlightened me that she called my Youth Minister from church to come to the house tomorrow to talk. Great, now I probably won't be able to go to church anymore and he's going to think the worst of me.

So this is and was my day. I'm sorry that you had to read all this and that it wasted your time. I only wish that "the world was quiet here."

Why do I try so hard and get violently pushed back down?

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 22:10:39 GMT

**I posted this originally on Friday, September 26, 2008 at 11:32 PM** I'm so tired of being the good person, always caring about others before me and then get treated like dirt. I worry way to much about how some else is before I worry about myself. I don't know that's just how I am. Ok, so the drill till my head explosion. I get home after going to the 4-H office, post office and Wal-Mart. I get home and ask Rachel to go with me to mums house so I can get my iPod, crap I forgot a stupid belt (*sighs* oh well). I had to bribe her with buying her McDonalds food to get her out of the house. We go to mums so I can get my iPod and books that I have to read for classes next week. We leave and go to McDonalds and Rachel is playing with my iPod and stuff, blasting music. *fast forward* We get to the high school after eating and getting ready for the game. I have to run around help random band people fix their uniforms and such. I help Ashley carry the box of plumes across the street to the old high school track. The middle and high school bands practice while dodging water sprinklers.

So, Ashley and I carry that heavy box into the stands, ahead of everyone else. *fast forward some* I see some of the middle school band kids and they stress me out after they start of some lame drama. This girl got mad at me because I wouldn't get her a coke and another girl because I wouldn't tell Mr. Clardy to let them play a certain song. Then they get all gansta attitude up on me. But before that I had to go to the practice field to look for Peggy's flip folder of music, it wasn't there, great joy of fun!

I help take pictures for Kayla, help her get down and off the podium. After half-time, I helped Mrs. Paula with food concessions and I got a free coke (it makes me hyper). It didn't really become stressful until after the game was over. Rachel and I leave to go to the huddle house. We arrive in the parking lot and come to find out that there is no where to park. So, I go to park in the parking lot by the church with the basketball goals, Carli parked there as well. So Rachel immediately gets out and talks to Lena, she borrows my brush. Rachel was so in a hurry to get there, (I hate being rushed) so I obsessively lock the door behind me and Rachel's door. For some reason, I put the windows up I have no idea why. I walk down the parking lot and then realize that I had locked the keys in the car. There I go caring for others before myself.

I call up mum on her cell and tell her what happened that I left my keys in the car, this is the first time that I had did this. Luckily, I put the extra two keys in the drawer beside the refrigerator. I supposedly woke her and she drove down there to give me the keys, I guess she told her boyfriend about it all because later he texts me and says, "Come sunday, a for sale sign is going on that car! no joke�..". So mum gets there and she calls me, I walk out the door to go see her to get the keys. I walk/run over to the car. I stopped on the sidewalk and prayed to God to please let these keys work and some other stuff. I put it in and it worked! I was so happy, some of the pressure felt lifted off of me but only for that short pause of praise.

Mum decides to stay at the Huddle House because she's hungry. The people at our table had already ordered so she didn't get to eat; she sat there gossiping like a high school girl. She got mad at me and raised her voice inside the restaurant and said that she was going to sell my car, not give me any more gas money, cut off my phone, make me quit school, pay back my financial aid money and threatened to send me to jail if I didn't. She said some other stuff to. I so badly wanted to scream. I raised my voice a bit at her and I guess I smarted off a few times but only because she had really annoyed me with the stuff she said. So then she starts saying stuff about me in front of everyone. She says, "God, you're so ugly. You look just like your daddy. You need to go wash your face, it's so greasy and your hair, too. You're a freak." She didn't say it all at the same time. Then she kept saying other stuff, nasty stuff to Carli's twelve year old brother. She thinks I'm not the right way and thinks that because I don't have a girlfriend that I'm not right in the head. I don't have much time for anything right now in my life. I start texting people like Jessie and Lindsay and Kayla, to try to escape the humility that my mum is saying about me in front of everyone. I just keep staring at my phone and my face getting red. I wanted to cry so badly right there and then. It was not right, in my opinion, for my mother to sit there and say all this stuff in front of people she just met and then call me names and talk about me rudely in front of me. I felt like falling off the side of the world or being thrown into a vacuum and never coming out. I just didn't want to be me at the moment, I was so hurt broken. I don't know what to think. I felt bad because I started ignoring Carli because she made a joke about Randy, her brother. Saying oh "He's going to marry Rachel." Then my mum goes around saying no, "He's probably going to end up marrying, Gary." I give her a dirty look and I couldn't help it my face got red, I wanted to scream. Mum told me earlier that she would get me arrested for yelling or something in a public place.

My mum always thinks the worst of me, always. I wanted to cry right there and then, I wish that I could've just exploded or spontaneously combust. I wanted to knock her out of the booth but I kept myself contained and I apologized to Carli afterwords when mum left. I was so stressed out from the days events to the football game to this and that and then mum just put the cherry on top for making my day worse. I feel so unsure about my future now.

I wish I were a vapor, this reminds me of that bible verse, James 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." I wish I were that vapor so I could escape everyone's problems. I try way to much and do to much for to many people. Sometimes I wish I could just give up and let someone else run my show (life). I'm just a puppet, wishing I knew who was pulling my strings from above.

Sometimes I Just Wish

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 02:58:10 GMT

Mood: Stressed
Song: Harry Potter...
Place: fathers...

   Sometimes I just wish that I could be that invisible speck of dust you rarely see but it's still there and serves its purpose. I would much rather be there observing and learning than serving a purpose where all you get is directed around and told what others want you to do. I hate it when I'm on my own beat and get directed towards another motion and it's just completely opposite of what I was before. It just doesn't make much sense to me.

     I'm stressed out because of my mum again. I called to tell her that I went to go look for a job with Theris today when I was at band camp. We went looking at the D.C. News, M.S. Printing, J&J Printing, Eternal Prod., Board of Education, and Freds. Well for the first one I need to make a resum� and hope that I make it. Mum thinks that the newspaper job is a mexican job. I don't want to be the person that puts the paper together. I want to help how it looks, make it look better, and FIX THE GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATIONAL MISTAKES!! Gah, you know you're from E-town when you can read the paper and find mistakes all throughout in at least every edition. Off of that subject. Basically all the places I went to didn't have any openings for part time jobs.

      I want something that I can use what I learned. I don't want to do something that I don't do and then forget everything I do all the time. Then what was the point of learning it in the first place if I was going to forget it by doing something more mediocre. I'm not the one that sits there and lets something pass by. I am usually the team leader and wins with what I do. I'm the creative one in the bunch and when I get to work I usually produce my best stuff, especially with projects and anything creative. I admit I can be lazy and put stuff off but not if I have a deadline though. I want to work to get to my dream but every time I try to tell my mum what good is going in my life, like today looking for jobs. She always bursts my bubble and basically say she doesn't care and that I should work in the fast food world because that is where all the money is for the time being. That may be so but that is not going to help me make connections for the future. I'm not staying my whole life in hick-town. I wish that I could've went a head and left for Florida, even though I would've been probably living in a cardboard I really wouldn't mind it if I knew that what I was doing was going to get me to a better place in the end.

     I'm a very passionate and dedicated person that is complicated to understand or explain. I'm a deep thinker at times and get caught off guard pondering about something and then get laughed at for saying something wrong or stupid. I make my own beat that I play from day to day. It rarely gets stopped. :/..

   Mum is just insane. I want to say more but I keep getting interrupted by texting but it's ok. I give myself to much to the world. I should be more reserve with what I have or flaunt because all it is that I get used to much. Not much of what I do for others most of the time gets appreciated and it hurts. I will never forget what Mrs. Wiegert told me. "What you write comes from your soul, you're giving part of your soul to the reader that reads it." So yeah, here's my life on the lines that you see. You're taking part of me in with you when you leave. How? You read this and it sticks. I remember my sixth grade science/social studies teacher Mr. Fountain saying "A human can remember a sheet of paper by looking at it for about five seconds, you just have to use your brain to process and remember what it said" or something like that. What I say will always be with you for a short while or for a long time.

       Gah. When I make something that I work so hard on and I give it to someone I expect them to like it and love it. When they don't and they make a face or change of pitch in their voice (it's so easy for me to sense mood changes or how people feel about stuff) it's like my heart is in all what I do. Picture this how I do, my heart and soul are like a kite flying in the brisk chilly wind on the shore of a white sandy beach and a beautiful blue sky and bright sunshine. My heart and soul is what carries me through each day, nature is what inspires me and challenges me to soar higher than where I was previously. When someone is negative or negative energy around me, it's like a dark gale sets in off the the calm coast and just intensifies and then it's like lightning strikes and sets in. That strike of negativity or lightning is like a flame that triggers it to rain or cry tears, therefor making the process turn from good to bad. Like the opposite of what you see in a mirror or what you want to think about but happens. What happened to the kite in the story? It was struck by lightning, torn to pieces barely able to fly again or at least not as high as once before.

     I give myself to much to the world and I always keep getting shot down for what I believe in. I have to big of a heart to give and to get hurt. It's made me close what gets close to me or what I allow in because of how I feel about certain stuff or people. This world is so corrupt from what it was once before but if you think about it. This world has always been corrupt you can go back into history and find it, if you believe anything that's in the bible it's there, too. You can find it in the Koran or any other religion as well. Corruption always leads to no where good. Why do you think it's a miracle when you see someone so innocent and some weak rise to fame when they come from the slums of where you think it wasn't possible to be. I don't want to get into religion as it is. I just wish that Jesus would come back asap so things could end but in a way that is good.

   We live in a land where the younger generation that is slowly taking control of the country of where the majority of the population is the baby boomers and taking their retirement money. They are taking their ideals and implanting it into the minds of the nations next generation. How can they expect to operate if they don't know what they're doing now? You can't fix something that easily once it blossoms. The best thing to do is just start from scratch all over and if the way things are going now it will be like that later on down the road. We live in a nation where it's ok to screw around with your family and not get in trouble, mess around with your best friend of the same sex, oh it's totally find to have sex before you have a wedding band around finger (apparently it's the latest trend to have all the std's before you want to even think about being serious with someone).

     WHO will want you after you tell them that you've slept around with over 10 people before you graduated high school and maybe you had a kid or two along the way?

    WHO will want to look at your scars and take care of you for your meds of the diseases you've collected along the way and probably traded like pokemon cards?

      WHO will want to see you with the same sex as a couple? You can't do anything but basically plug each other and then you get tired of the same thing and move onto something else.

    THIS LIFE is not a game, but apparently that's how it's described to the media. In America at least it is TOTALLY ok to have a baby by the age of 16 and to mess around with the same sex while raising your child or pregnant with your child.

    What has happened to what was pure? Why do people have to follow their sinful desires? Why do people have to hide in the dark about everything?

     It sickens me to know that people like to hide away from everything instead of standing up for their own morals and ideals. It is so cowardly of someone to hide and waste away their life in the dark because they think what their doing is good at the time and it feels right. HELLO! Not everything in life is Oreos and ice cream! Yes, at times you will get hurt but you have to get up again in order to press on to make it better.

One thing this country has forgotten about is learning from their mistakes. They go out and make the same ones again. It sickens me when a mind is wasted because of supposed "love" and drugs.

    Another thing is when it comes to religion. Why don't people want to believe in something that created them? They don't want to admit the fact that there is something else out there greater than them and that the world doesn't revolve around them. They hide in the dark messing with what they can only see there and they like because people can't see what their doing. Everything you do is recorded, whether from a religious or a scientific view or not. I hate it when people feel they are more authority than what created them. I know everyone goes through a rebellious stage but still living in that stage out of middle or high school is ridiculous, especially when they are almost grown living in the same ideals as the way they were before.

     What will it take for someone to wake and finally realize why and how they got here? It's sad to know that when Jesus does come back, and the shape that things are in now seems to make it that it could be soon, people will finally realize when they have their judgement day. They will know the truth and by then it will be to late. People don't like to hear what they can't touch or see. They see it as a lie and like to go for something that seems more reasonable to explain.

     Sometimes I just wish...

My life is just peachy.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:56:15 GMT

Here are some highlights of my week.

I'm a Huddle Leader for FCA Camp for 5th graders of football.
One of my friends ignores me now.
I was on a team of 8 and ignored, didn't get to play at all.
The little kids call me names already.
I get criticized for wearing shorts (first time in public since 2002).
I get selected out of thousands of applicants for a national teen level film contest and then I can't go because the person that promised to bring me backed out. Way to go to support your child.
My sister screams at me when I walk by because she's on a constant period 24/7.

Yeah. So my life is just dandy. :D

What about me?

Thu, 15 May 2008 02:02:35 GMT

Mood: Bummed
Place: Mum's House
Watching: American Idol (final three!)

Ok, Callen this is why I was kinda down today.

First off I was stressed today about signing yearbooks and all. It was fun, but so stressful for me. Because everyone is like, "SIGN MY YEARBOOK NOW!" and I'm like, "Gahlee, give me some time to think about what to actually say". My stress caught up to me in lunch today though. I guess it was from all the yearbook stuff and how I didn't have a regular Senior Page like my other friends. I was late for lunch than I normally was because I was talking to Coach Smith about what she should do about her computer.

So, I had to wait in a line for the sandwich line. I hate waiting in lines, it drives me crazy especially when people skip others in line and have no moral about it. To the point. I got to my seat, finally and sit down and got my food ready to eat. I start eating my hot dog and then Crystal wants me to sign her yearbook. I hate it when people ask stuff of me right on the spot without a warning. She wanted me to sign it at break but I couldn't because I was about to be late for class, that added to my stress level as well.

I start to sign her yearbook, I had to put my food down. Janet comes up to the table where she usually sits on my right side, I'm in the middle of writing something and I see out of the corner of my eye that Anna and Janet are stealing my fries (they've done this several other times and it drives me crazy). I yell at the top of my lungs without thinking at all, "STOP TAKING MY FOOD!". I yelled so loud that it actually hurt my eyes for a little while and loads and loads of people turned around and stared at me. I just lost it and snapped and I kept on signing her yearbook during this ignoring everyone else. I felt like it was one of the fights I have with mother or Rachel. I felt inhuman for doing that but I couldn't help it.

That was part of it for today but not why I was down at church. I was sad because I had asked Ryley for the password for the wireless internet at church. I already talked to Daryl about the internet thing before and I have Kieulai as a witness for this. He told me all the stuff about it and that I should ask Michael what the password was for the internet. I asked Ryley because I knew he had it; Michael gave it to him of course. Ryley couldn't give it to me then because Michael started talking to him. That night I sent Michael a message about the whole deal and it's been about two or three weeks since then and he hasn't replied to me. I know he's been on facebook since then.

He's always ignored me. What is so different about me than Ryley. Why should he judge me before him? Michael is a cool guy but still.

Ok, Callen here is what I was texting Ryley about and then made me all emo and crap. I texted Ryley asking him for the password. He said to ask Daryl. I said I already talked to him and stuff. So Ryley said ask Michael for it. I told Ryley that Michael ignores me and wouldn't give it to me. Ryley texted back saying that he was going to talk to Michael to give it to me. The whole part of this that broke my heart was that neither of them talked to me about it at all. I was waiting for it. So many thoughts went through my mind.

I didn't want to be like, "Hey give me the password! NOW!". Because I mean I had already asked once or twice before and I didn't want to be a bother to them. I hate to make people look down on me for stupid stuff. Another thing that just makes me so mad is what Michael done. Once Ryley got a MacBook, Michael is all like, "Hey Ryley I love your computer.." blah blah blah....

Gah. I feel like I'm over-reacting just a bit. But then again I don't know. I don't talk with people about my problems because I don't know how to express them. I'm not good at explaining stuff either. I'm horrible at it.

Mum picks me up from church and complains at my hair being a mess and I'm like yes I know this. I tell her that if you want it to look better let me get plastic surgery. Everyone I say this too, which isn't many is like why do you want plastic surgery? Because of my left eye lid. The generic response is, "it's not bad!". Bull balony bacon face. You just don't know how it is. To look up in the morning and the mirror and see that staring back at you like an ugly scar. That's why I have my hair long. So I can cover my eye up. It's hard for me to see, too. I can't look directly up and see everything. If I want to do that I have to lift up that eyelid. I look like an ugly freak with it. I've just learned to ignore it over the years. I would rather get plastic surgery on it than get braces, which I need desperately. I'm serious. I would give away my piano and MacBook for it. If you know me well enough, that's the two closest material possessions to my heart. :/

Sorry for the emo moment. Hopefully one day my weather will turn right side up instead of being under the black cloud. :[

Just for this moment...

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 03:03:41 GMT

Mood: Super tired
Place: Mum's house
Music: As Long As Your Mine ~ Wicked

Gah, I can't concentrate listening to music with words in it. Today was an interesting day though. It started off with a party in early morning class, which was great. It was Mrs. Vaughn's birthday and it was a grand party. haha. We had mainly just breakfast food and some cake and donuts and orange juice and muffin cake, Mindy would've loved it. :D We all wrote Happy Birthday to her on the white board in several different languages. We had some Japanese, Spanish, German, English, and Dwarven Runes up there. :D

I'm sure if Mindy was there she would have added some sayings in French as well and probably Quenya if they have birthday greetings. Oh gas prices are rising very drastically. It's almost at $4 per gallon and it's so ridiculous at how greedy these gas companies are. it's insane. This should be and better be pushing scientists harder to get a more efficient environmentally friendly car out into the market. I know it will take a few years for it to come down on the price for it, too. Now we have the hybrid cars out that are good on gas mileage but are a bit pricey.

The best car that I've seen come out so far that is efficient enough is a hydrogen powered car. The only negative thing about it is that, you have to have a certain charge going into the car with the hydrogen and some other element but the plus side of things is that you get dihydrogen monoxide, H₂O. That would be an awesome change instead of having car exhaust, which has too many chemical compounds to name.

Random subject change. I was talking to Jerico on the new facebook IM thing, which is awesome. I was saying how the media is basically the focal point or main target for kids. Older people always complaining how their kids are acting but half of them fail to realize what is actually going into their children's minds. People also fail to realize how the human's mind develops. Think of it as monkey-see-monkey-do, that's how we basically grow up developing.

When you're borne into this world you are a new life with a clean start to try new things, experiences, test and use your brain. When you start developing your brain you're making it grow thus, learning new things making you larger in shape and appearance. Before you can speak you are always near your parents and hear them, see them, the whole nine yards. They are usually the only humans that you will see until you get older enough to handle yourself in the world. You see them walk and that's how your brain translates into you should try doing it and they will teach you.

I remember watching this TV show on Discovery Channel several years ago talking about neglected children. In some poor district of Russia was this child that was abandoned outside in the dog pen. Her parents didn't want to take care of her anymore. I'm guessing she was at least four or five at the time. So she spent several months to a year maybe out there living with the dogs, they took care of her, gave her food, cleaned etc. She was around them full time with no contact with any other humans. What is the brain telling her to do? To copy her surroundings so she acts like a dog and we see this as a sign of mental decline or something similar but it's neglect of how she was growing in her environment. Basically her life was wasted away by being there and I think it was hard for her to readjust back to the normal world.

My point that I was making, was that kids will copy anything they see and they're not told is wrong. They see sex on TV, what do they do? They go and copy it, experiment with it? Why? It's always a human instinct to go and try stuff, that's how we learn. We learn what's hot and cold, what is high and what is low, what is red and what is blue, and the hardest one for the majority of people is what is right and what is wrong. The one thing that bothers me the most is why people complain about STD's. In my opinion people shouldn't be that vacuous to stoop that low to do things like that. People need to learn how to stay with one person for life. I could care less if they straight, bi, or gay. It's their opinion and body, since apparently now in the 21^st century that you're the creator of your destiny; you should be able to do anything to and with your life without seeing later consequences. The spread of HIV/AIDS is ridiculous and it wouldn't be here right now if people would have kept their stuff to theirselves. It probably wouldn't be so prominent in America if guys kept their wang to themself or save it for their future wife.

We live in a sad world where sex is the answer to all things, our supposed culture has no morals anymore. To live a life with morals in America is almost unheard of but possible to do but you will be ridiculed throughout your days because we have been so blind spotted by the media that we watch everyday. The main cause of this turmoil is from Viacom's MTV. Not all of Viacom is bad just the MTV/VH1 network side. I would place MTV over VH1 in this vote though. MTV was started August 1, 1981. It was a great achievement for music television. At first it only showed music videos and shows about music and such and it slowly progressed into the mainstream media backbone of the nations teens and college teens audience in America. As time went on they add TRL Total Request Live to show the nation's top voted music videos and it contrasted with the billboard 100 top songs as well. It helped boost a lot of careers for upcoming singers in the industry. Off of my subject of a history lesson of MTV. It slowly progressed into being the "it" thing to do and have and see and watch. MTV was one of the first channels that I remember watching with Reality TV shows.

I've noticed in the past five years that heads of companies in the big industries aren't thinking of children's lives anymore. They are only thinking of their projecting audience the older teens to college age group. They could care less for children to the pre-teen age group. I think these kids watch more of it that college teens do. This is why we have so many bad kids. They watch what they see on TV and they have to act it out so they can seem to be popular or cool. They listen to music that tells them what to do, how to dress, how to talk, act, etc... What can we do about this problem? That's something we have to figure out without the next generation, my generation to drill us into the ground. I'm afraid that the coming of the end of the world is very near. There are so many signs of it already. We have global warming, rising criminal rates, world nations at war, global economic problems. It's an insane world.

I think I remember the British guy from the video the other night saying that if humans keep acting the way they are now, other plants and animals will slowly die off. But if we take humans out of the picture, nature and wildlife would flourish back to how it was before without many or any complications.

In other news. This week we've had campaigning done at school by people that are running for student council or class officer. It's pretty insane that all of these people are running. There are at least over 40 people running for one or the other. There are so many posters and flyers in the hallway, text messages flying everywhere asking for votes. It's insane, last year no one cared to run for either of the two. This year has been taken to an extreme. There are kids custom designing t-shirts to hand out for free to help campaign for them. They are giving out candy, tearing down opponents posters. It's a hectic political type of world at DCHS. lol.

This is getting kinda long and taking me forever to think about what to type and say, so have fun reading and analyzing what I wrote and how many times I changed the subject of this post. :D

You caught me off guard...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:01:34 GMT

Mood: Creatively inclined
Place: Mum's house
Music: Hero/Heroine

[[You caught me off guard and now I'm running and screaming. I feel like a hero and you are my heroine. Do you feel like your love is...]] It goes something like that, haha. I'm in a good mood actually, yeah I've been a bit slack with updating my blog but much better than last year though. It's strange I saw the other day on here somewhere that I have actually posted 110+ something blog entries, that really surprised me. Because this is my second longest blog that I've had. The first one had many umm, well issues with to where it was basically deleted.

Mrs. Holly sent me this awesome video on facebook tonight and I watched it. It was something about this British guy talking about how the educational system in the world is (how can I say this to make sense) crushing people's lives? Basically he means the educational system is taking away children's gifts. He believes that all children are borne artists but as they grow older people push them away from their creativity from the educational system. I believe this and then if you think about it; if everyone has these gifts then it explains why the musicians/artists that we see now are so good at what they do. They are forcing themselves to use the left side of their brain and actually think in a creative way.

Well, this how I am. I never had the chance to take piano lessons until 7th grade but I was introduced to music at a very young age and have always adored my aunt's piano but never allowed to touch it. So she bought me a small keyboard to mess with when I was over there at her house. I only used it probably less than ten times because soon after that Christmas her and my mum and Granny had an argument so we didn't go back over there until like seven years later.

I've always been the quiet kid you see in a crowd of people staring at the wall or out the window constantly pondering how it all works and in what sequence. I see colours and I think how they can be rearranged and made into something pretty awesome. I take pictures of angles at what I think would look cool then go back and photoshop it a bit to enhance the features that I captured. I guess my creative side has made me become a little OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) with stuff that I do on a daily basis. But I know that I can never strive to have everything perfect no matter how hard I try. Having everything just right and in the right place drives my mind so crazy, sometimes I think I spend to much time on seeing what I do wrong to concentrate on what I actually get right.

I'm constantly thinking of new ideas and half of them I forget because I always have something on my mind. I think I'm getting better with my short term memory and paying attention to people. It's so bad that I drift off in conversations with people face to face that I try to think of the last sounds that I remember the person saying that I try to come up with the word that I thought they said. It drives some people crazy.

Well with that British guy I was talking about early he told a story about this girl. She wasn't good at all in school. She couldn't sit still, this was back in the 1930's and teachers complained about her. If she were living now she would be diagnosed with ADHD. One day the school called the girl's mother up there. The principal told the girl's mother all the things that she had done wrong in school and he asked if he could talk to her in another room but before he left he turned on a radio with music playing. He shut the door and told the mother to watch through the window at her daughter. The girl got up and couldn't stay still she was constantly dancing around the room. The girl's mother soon after that enrolled her in a dance/ballet school and the girl said, "These people are like me!". She went to several other schools and later tried out for the British Royal Ballet Society and she made it. She worked with several other people in her career such as Andrew Lloyd Webber and several others. She's choreographed dance moves for the musicals Cats and Phantom of the Opera. All this happened because someone believed in her. If she went to school now and in America she would be sent out of her classes and treated with medicine and told to give up her dreams and study to get a degree.

The British guy also made a point, too, well several in fact. He said that in thirty years there will be more people in history that have graduated from an educational institution with a degree. Jobs will be harder to come by that pay well and it's only going to make people want to get more education so they can rise above the others they come in contact with. There will be more PhD's than there are now. With this type of world what about the world of the creative people, the people that create the "world" that we live in now. They will be put off on the back burner because apparently arts and music aren't important enough in our education. It's something vital that every single soul needs to have. Not everyone is good at what being creative. Mainly because their taught to not think of such nonsense and to make good grades and never to fail at what you do. If this is it, then our world is in a whole lot of danger down the road.

I have a mind and of course I'm not good at everything but I know how to use the part of it that makes sense to me. I may not not be good at math but I could probably beat you in sight reading sheet music. There's something to think about. :]] Now I have to go watch The Paper on MTV. It makes me think of how I wish my early morning class was. Take care.

Cat and Mouse

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 02:15:31 GMT

Mood: Awake/Nostalgic
Place: Dads House
Song: Everything You Want ~ Accidentals (UGA A Cappella group)
Watching: Degrassi

I listened to the song "Cat and Mouse" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and realized that it totally relates to Edward and Bella's love relationship. Well I didn't think of that until I ran across a MySpace that was from a fan of Edward and they had that song on there and I think it was a playlist from the author of the books, Stephanie Myer.

"Softly we tremble tonight,
picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in site,
I said I'd never leave you'll never change
I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life.

Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me�.

We made plans to grow old,
believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game cat and mouse are we the same people as before this came to light?

Am I supposed to be happy?
when all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me�

You must live for me too'...
For me too...yeah, yeah�
You said that you would die for me�

Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
when all I ever wanted, it comes with a price
You said, you said that you would die for me..."

[[Softly we tremble tonight,
picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in site,
I said I'd never leave you'll never change
I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life.]]

Edward is scared of hurting Bella and changing her forever while Bella is in love with him but also doesn't want to be hurt but she wants a chance of having him. Edward is described as being perfect for Bella in her eyes and Edward thinks the same about Bella. She has an irresistible smell that's so appealing to him he would and can never leave her. He left her voice and she almost lost her mind but still she hadn't changed what she had for him. Edward isn't happy with where he's at in life. He's stuck in the body of a 20 year old and has been like that for almost 100 years.

[[Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me�.]]

Edward's love for Bella comes at a price, a price he doesn't want to take. He could easily take Bella's life away in a heartbeat if he wanted. That would be selfish so he stays miserable inside because he can't have her as he wants her but he knows he wants to keep her as she is, the same. Even though she wants to be with him, more like him, no matter what the price. Edward would give his life for Bella again if he had to, that's how strong their love is for each other.

[[We made plans to grow old,
believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game cat and mouse are we the same people as before this came to light?]]

Bella and Edward did make plans to grow old but only Bella will age or as the dream she had at the beginning of New Moon. She dreamt that she saw her grandmother in the mirror but after a while she realized that it wasn't her grandmother. It was her because she knew Edward had left her and she thought it was for good and she knew she would age and not become perfect as he is and escape death on earth. Their love is a game of cat and mouse as how Bella always gets herself into trouble by hurting her self. They aren't the same people when it comes to light.

[[Am I supposed to be happy?
when all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me�]]

[[You must live for me too'...
For me too...yeah, yeah�
You said that you would die for me�]]

Bella says this or thinks this a lot to Edward, you must live for me, too. She wants to be like him and not live in the mortal life but as a vampire with her strong passion for him. Their love is so strong that either one would die for the other and both have come close.

Yeah, ok it might be kinda strange. You just have to read the story to understand it better. It fits in my mind when I notice the words with the music and think about how they are in the books. Bleh anyways, ok lame post this time and I still have to finish up that story about my travels to UGA.

I gel my hair and it looks good.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 22:44:23 GMT

Mood: Content/Satisfied/Social
Place: Dad's house
Music: Theme from August Rush

I'm fighting with the speakers on dads computers because they're that ghetto. The right speaker keeps coming undone or stop working. It's hard to type without it going out on me, which sucks. Other than that my dad was pretty eventful as usual. I'm postpoining the rest of my story until tomorrow. :]

Thoughts on my mind at the moment. The day I have a kid, I have no idea why I've been thinking about this so much lately but I want to have a son one day and name him August Rush. Then I thought his initials would be ARK, haha that'd still be cool. It would be like Noah's Ark. It could be symbolism for what he may do one day, carry something to somewhere of great importance. Other names I've thought about for a son would be Johnn Paul, Draco Blake. Well I just added Blake to the Draco name because it sounded like it would fit, I'm not sure.

I haven't really thought about girl names. Possibly Emma Hermione, I dunno. Something interesting. I want something that's propper but yet is unique and stands out.

Other than that we had a "little" food fight today in B lunch. Kym was mad at Janet for taking her book away. So Kym took Janet's unopened milk carton and threatened Janet with it. So Janet took my apple sauce, I was in the middle of this, and Kym squeezed that milk carton open and milk went everywhere and then Kym ran and Janet tried throwing the apple sauce at her but missed and it went all over this girl Nikki at my table. lol. The milk went everywhere though. It reached to the edge of the other circle table near ours. It went in this girls' hair that we call cheese girl. We call her that after the time that Janet threw shredded cheese up in the air, it literally rained cheese and it got all in her hair. The girl screamed out "Stop throwing cheese!" lol so we gave her a nickname, lol.

O_o;; during Spring Break, Lindsay, her brother D.J., Kym and I all hung out on a Thursday night and had so much fun. We drove around town for a few hours and went to some places and hung out. lol. We ran the track in the rain at night while it was storming, done stuff at Wal-Mart, ran around a place of death at night and ran when it started raining, rode through Sunset (the ghetto where no white people go unless you got the right connections) with three white people in the car all the windows down with some beat music playing to the max and one black girl haha. We had so much fun.

It's crazy how during Spring Break I got sunburned and then slowly tanned and then the next weekend it got to freezing temperatures and I was wearing long sleeve shirts where I had been sunburned. Strange weather that we're having. Gah, I hope this isn't the start of another part of the little ice age, that would suck so bad.

I'm actually understanding what we're doing in Algebra III, that's kinda rare I guess some planet is lined up right somewhere. lol. We have equations to do with something like (f)x=x³+2x²-x+5 and we have to find the roots. So we have to do either Synthetic Division and then do Long Division or vice versa and then there are problems that have "i"'s in them you know imaginary numbers. I actually feel smart at math this time, which is an awesome feeling.

I've been listening to much to my sister and my mother that has called me every name in the book for being stupid. When in elementary school mum would praise me so much for getting good grades and brag on me to people but once she found out that Rachel made better grades than me she just gave up on me. She socially abandoned me. In my heart I have no mother, which is sad because she is never there for me. She is always on the phone talking to her sister or her b/f or trying to find a b/f with more money on the internet. She claims I'm the reason that she doesn't have much spending money.

I'm her child and that's the part that I don't understand. I thought I meant something to her at one point in my life but I guess not when it came to high school. That's where I need to support to help me get through school and out into college. Normal mothers help their kids at school and want to excell in life but it's the opposite for me and I hate it. She gets mad at me when I'm not ready by 7 AM to leave so she can take me to school and she can drive to work. A normal teenager at my age has a car and job. I have neither because neither of my parents have pushed me to get either of those goals.

They just keep doing stuff for me and never let me try it on my own half the time. Mother doesn't believe I can do anything. Once when I was trying to tell her what was wrong with her computer she didn't want to belive me until we got to Best Buy and the computer guy told her that I was basically right and she gave me an evil glare because I had embarassed her in the store. Mum thinks I'm going to be a bum on the street and going to be begging her for money. She keeps telling me to get a job but she has never offered to help me. If she did she would've tried to help me get my license when I was suppose to at the normal age of 15 to start driving at 16, instead of 18. She yells at me because I apparently don't do anything. The only way to make her happy is to have everything done for her basically so her and John wouldn't have to lift a single finger while I'm there.

John gets on my nerves all the time. He always smarts off at me when I didn't say hardly anything to him in the first place. He hates religion and doesn't believe in it. There is nothing that I can say to him that will save him from going to eternal hell, that's probably where my mum is going to because she's mormon but she doesn't go to any church at all either nor tries to plan to. John drinks all the time and smokes all the time. I can't stand to be around smokers now. I think I built up an immunity to it, meaning when I get around it I sneeze like crazy. Before when I was use to it I never really sneezed as much.

Mum gets mad at me when I go to daddy's house. Hello woman I go there because there is actual food there and stuff to do and he actually cares about my existence. I hate it when mum talks bad about daddy and then he talks worse about her. This one time when mum went to California daddy was like "I hope her plane crashes!". I had to leave the room, some stuff I can stand that he says but not stuff like that. Mum always talks bad about me because I go to daddy's house. It's ridiculus and annoying when she talks bad about me because I go there and come back smelling like grease, because daddy made french fries or something. Well at least I ate. I would rather smell like french fry grease than smoke anyday. At least then people wouldn't think I'm a pot head.

I hate when people judge me for how I act or what I look like, what's wrong with my face, how my appearance is, what my views on things are, what I like to do, etc and so on. It's hard to deal with, well it was worse in middle school to 9th grade until I started hanging around friends that actually care about me for who I am and not for something I'm not. I'm true with myself and that's how I present myself to everyone I encounter. I know at times I may be shy but once you know me I probably won't stop talking.

But ever since mum has had John as her b/f I have been shoved away from her life and I hate it because before I used to be really close with her. Now I'm just some person that occasionally lives in her house. I remember one day she asked me if I made a lot of money one day would I still talk to her, I said no. She got mad because she said that I was being mean and some other words. I told the truth though. She expects me to go to college and come back making over $100,000 a year, it's not happening. She asked me if I would buy her a sports car I said no. I hate to sound mean but it's nowhere near to what she does and/or says. She is so selfish and talks about every single person she sees. I pray to God constantly that he would help her, I've seen it helps when I do pray.

Anyways...enough of this rant, I feel slightly better to get this off of my chest and into the open somewhat. Well to whomever reads it.