Natural Numbers
--Zero and any number obtained by repeatedly adding one to it. Ex.: 100,  0,   4565,  32

Negative Numbers
--A value less than 0, with a - sign Ex. -249


Binary

Decimal is base 10 and has 10 digits: 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9

Binary is base 2 and has 2 digits

What is the decimal equivalent of the binary number 1101110?
1 x 2^6 = 1 x64 = 64
+ 1 x 2^5 = 1 x32 = 32
+0 x 2^4 = 0 x 16 = 0
+1x2^3 = 1 x 8 = 8
+1 x 2^2 = 1 x 4 = 4
+1 x 2^1 = 1 x 2 = 2
+0 x 2^0 = 0 x 1 = 0
                         = 110 in base 10

1024 512 256 128 64 32 16 8 4 2 (is the below binary number)
01000001
1) Put a 1 in the right most digit
2) Multiply by 2 going to the left
3) Add the numbers in the top row that have a 1 below it

01000001
=1+62 = 65

10101010
=2+8+32+128= 170

*Always start with the 1 on the far left side. Start left to right.

00000000 = 0 is smallest binary number
11111111 = 255 is largest binary number
10111111 = 191
10111110 = 190

Counting in bInary/octal/decimal

Bits n' bytes

bit = binary digit

8 bits = 1 byte
1,000bytes = kilobyte
1 million bytes = 1megabyte
1 billion bytes = 1gigabyte
1 trillion bytes = 1 tearbytes

0	0	0
1	1	1
10	2	2
11	3	3
100	4	4
101	5	5
110	6	6
111	7	7
1000	8	8
	9	9
	10	10

tamerofhope great day. Laptop broke. Phone cut off. Car taken away. Cops involved. Just peachy weekend. :] I'm ecstatic for what comes next! X_x; die...
4 minutes ago from Tweetie

Yeah....That's my twitter status. So today I wake up at twelve from staying up to about two in the morning playing Sims 3. I was high off of coco cola and I was trying to stress relieve myself from the prior events yesterday. I got up and I took the sheets off of my bed because I was going to trade mattresses with the one my aunt had in her room before she left. So I did that taking the box springs off and the mattresses from both beds and to the other. It took a while and was a bit tricky but I got it done.

I go downstairs to make some microwavable macaroni and cheese in a cup thing with a Coke. I'm trying to avoid conversation with John and momma but they're still talking to me like nothing happened the day before. So I go to let in the dogs and everything is cool. Later I even take lots of pictures of them, well after I get my bed situated. So momma and John are trying to clean out the computer room or rather Aunt Judy's room.

I was trying to get all my old files off of the desktop computer in there because John wants to throw it away (he doesn't want to recycle it, no comment). I'm sitting in there getting my stuff off of the computer while trying to put it to my laptop and I had the Sims 3 going on mums laptop at my desk in my room. I was waiting on a house to load because it takes a while for large files. John was ranting on how he hated my aunt and calling her all these dirty words and sayings, pretty much making himself look better and her look like dirt. I'm not going to get into that story now about my aunt. :/

John fixes the paper shredder or rather banging it around with his fist to get the paper to get cut. Then he tells me about one of his friends in Graphic Arts and stuff saying how I should make movies everyday if I really want to do it. I wasn't ignoring him then but still trying to get files off and going through old ones.

After I finish that and leave the computer to transfer stuff over I go get ready to take a shower. Once I get out and I notice that no one is home they went to Harvey's to get some canned dog food and other stuff. So I put on my shoes to go see what they're doing and stuff. Next thing I know I'm going outside to feed the dogs. I get done doing that and I start playing piano or try to. Meanwhile mum is trying to yell at me to go cook hamburgers. I didn't say that I was hungry at that time nor did I really want to eat anything then. But when I was feeding the dogs John went to go turn on the grill outside. I don't think he turned it on all the way because the gas wasn't out and I didn't want to touch it and have it explode or something. Once I finished playing my song (something from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) mum is like go cook some hamburgers.

I get the hamburgers out of the fridge and they were already defrosted from laying out all yesterday because Mr. Drunkhead didn't want to cook, because it was too hot at a normal eating time. Regardless. So I go to put the patties on the grill and I notice that the flame wasn't coming out (this is my second time ever using the grill by the way). I wasn't sure what was going on with it. I go inside and ask John about it and he just cuts in to saying with a smart tone, "Oh they didn't teach you how to do that in the 4-H?!". I'm taken aback and question him about what he said and I said "no." Then he asks me how to balance a check book. I say, "I remember we had a class about that at camp a few years ago (more like three or four at Wahsega Sr. Camp) but I don't know how..." That seemed to be the fuel to his fire right there when I said that.

He starts yelling and his raises back his chest and all the blood rushing to his face because he's trying to get all of this off of his chest. Saying how about twenty years ago in California in 4-H his friends knew how to live off of the land and survive in the wild and camp. I say that was boyscouts. He yells back and said that it wasn't. So I just try to ignore him and hoping that he would stop and calm down. I walk around to the kitchen and motion my hands to momma saying that he keeps talking. She says go check on the grill. So I try to go outside and he snaps back saying "I'm trying to talk to you!" etc... So I just walk around the house again and go upstairs towards my room. Then he chases me up there saying, "I'm going to take all of your stuff and destroy it" I think he was referencing to my desk with all of my computer stuff.

I go to my doorway and stand there holding on to the frame on both sides. Rachel and I do this all the time fighting around the house so I knew what to do. But he tried to push me out of the way to get inside. At first he couldn't push me out of the way. So he grabs me back and pushes towards the railing of the stairs and I fly towards the floor and almost crash head first into the wall. Somehow my hand got scrapped up on something. Meanwhile John is screaming and doing whatever in my room. I run downstairs.

Now stop and I have been going back to this thought all day. My mum actually got up and she looked surprised at what was going on. She darted up the stairs towards John...Didn't ask about me if I was ok. So I run out of the door. Because I'm tired of his crap and I don't have any keys to drive anywhere. Luckily I had my phone in my pocket. I walk down the road and almost breaking down into tears calling daddy and telling him what had just happened. He said that he was on his way. So I just walked down at the far end of the road while I hear John yelling curse words and stuff at me from the window or balcony one. I broke down into tears walking down the road.

It has literally eaten me alive inside to think of how my mother, flesh and blood has treated me this weekend. She cares more about her boyfriend that she has known for about three years than her OWN flesh and blood that she HELPED bring into this world. After John tried pushing me down the stairs she comes to HIS side and not asking about me.

Then later she goes to tell my dad through a text message that I got angry at John and something like that happened. Momma is always like this. Her last boyfriend was an alcoholic and he always tried making threats towards me. Last time I saw him was when he was getting taken away in the back of a cop car because of something stupid he did. All my mum is worried about is how she's going to make it from paycheck to paycheck and how she can enjoy her days in between. She only concerned about who brings money into the house and that's all she's after.

Momma is just like the rest of her sisters, always in each others business and has never learned to grow up about things. They fight like Rachel and I do but we don't go starting stuff about each other to stir up trouble.

Ok, moving on to when daddy picked me up. I told him what happened as we were driving towards the police department. I was texting Dimple some while I was crying on my walk along the road. She didn't really understand what all was going on and I wasn't giving her all of the picture. So we get to the police station and knowing how this city/county operates amazes me. My dad wanted to have a police escort back to momma's house so I could get my clothes to stay with him for a while. The dispatcher said that all of the cops were gone to a funeral to direct traffic and stuff. Only like one of them came to the office and then he said he couldn't do it because he had another call come in. Momma is calling daddy's cell phone from a restricted number over and over and over and then tries to call mine a few times. She then later sends daddy a long text saying how "rude and stuff" I was to her this weekend...

So daddy took me to Theris's house and I stayed out there until daddy and Phil (his neighbor) came out to get me. Because they had got a cop that we all know to go out there with us to momma's. Right when Tony (cop) and I got under momma's car port to get my stuff was when the weather went really bad. It started storming. :/ So mum came down to unlock the door and let us in. Momma looked surprised and I just ignored her and John. I really don't remember what her and John was saying because I was just focusing on getting my clothes and stuff packed.

First thing I went after was my laptop and my Tera Byte Hard Drive and then just slamming clothes into my bookbag and suitcase. I wish that I had more shorts to wear but they were all in the dirty clothes and I was trying to hurry because it was storming outside. I even forgot my bathroom stuff. :/ But meanwhile John was back there saying all of this crap to the cop to try to make me look bad. He even went so far to say that I curse at my mom. I held my tongue because I knew that it wouldn't make things any better if I said anything to the mix. I was hoping that John would act up and so Tony could've had him arrested but it didn't happen. Tony was getting annoyed though with how John was acting and all the things that he was saying. Then mum was adding in saying how bad of a kid I am. And John goes in to bringing religion up into everything. Saying how I'm not a good Christian kid because I disrespect my mother.

Wait a minute.....How in the WORLD are you suppose to show your mother respect when you heard her all afternoon for at least two hours getting knocked up by her drunk boyfriend and THEN try to speak to her on a normal level. Tell me how. Really.

John does not have the audacity to bring anything up about what he can't preach himself. Moving on. So I go outside and into the carport and Tony is telling me how I should treat my parents and stuff. I mean I know this, I just don't go along with drunks after momma's last boyfriend. I'm watching the trees shake in the wind and the hurricane like pattern of wind scatter the rain every direction and every couple of seconds bolts of lightning crisscrossing the sky. After he's finished talking to me I run towards Phil's truck in the rain and accidentally knock over my tea. :/

So he brings me back to Theris's house and I stay there and don't get home till about twelve. I had a lot of fun over there. It was just really nice to be around people that actually cared for me to be around and they kept my mind off of things. We went to Wal-mart for about two hours and eventually walked to Sonic.

So end result of this weekend. I no longer have a car to drive, my cell phone got cut off, my laptop somehow wound up getting broken, got thrown around the house almost into the wall, and the cops got involved. So I've had an amazing weekend full of drama and action towards me because I was the bystander of the house. It came to me because Aunt Judy was tired of how mum and John talk about her so she left. So since she's gone now I get all the wonderful negative attention. Now I bet this week momma is going to ruin my life some more by telling her family all sorts of stuff, great. Isn't this what makes life so much better.

People need to learn how to grow up and get on with things in their life and instead of dwelling upon stuff that happened in their childhood. My mother needs to see a psychiatrist so she can figure out what is wrong with her and instead of blaming all of her problems onto me. Well that is all for now I need to try to get some sleep.

Another entry about how I'm really lost or more along the lines of showing how insane my mum is. I think that the latter sounds more close to being right though.

So today is Independence Day. All mum did was water some flowers outside this morning. Later this afternoon she says she's tired from doing so much work around the house. Usually we cook on this day, it's a holiday. But I guess it's a new tradition for mum this year all she did was lay up in her freakin bed screwin her boyfriend. I posted this also on twitter.

So I've been angry about this going on today. I have no where to go and mum will complain to me later if I go anywhere wasting gas. So I'm playing Sims 3 and it's really hard to concentrate playing while you hearing all these sounds going on across the hall + stairs. I'm going to leave it at that.

Would you be in a happy or normal mood if that's all you heard all day. Then to top if off John (her b/f) is practically drunk. I had to call to ask mum if she was going to cook because I was hungry. Apparently that is 100% classification saying that I'm gay because I asked when dinner was going to be cooked around 6 o'clock.

Mum gives me some money to go down to Harvey's to get some water and hot dog & hamburger buns. I return and I get yelled at for not putting the hot dogs and meat out on the counter before I left. :| >_<

So I throw my wallet at the door from the stairs. Drunk John and mum thought I slammed my door and said I was lying about not doing it. How can I slam my door from standing midpoint in the stairs? I mean come on honestly. So point number two to say I'm gay according to John.

Later mum comes in my room asking me if I wanted a cheeseburger and I said not really and then she starts getting attitude with me calling me a wimp for not wanting to eat or something. I go with her to the store because she wanted to buy some lottery tickets from two different gas stations and get dog food. I did not feel like walking into wal-mart seeing everyone in town because of fourth of July celebrations. So we go to McDonalds and she gets mad at me because I order a meal. I question myself inside and ask, "Then why are you bringing me by freakin' McDonalds?". Mum's like you better finish that before we get home or John is going to fuss and complain because you couldn't wait till he got up to cook around nine or ten o'clock.

How many people eat a full dinner meal at about nine to ten o'clock at night? They didn't want to fire up the grill under the car port before because it was too hot.....

So as I'm eating my food and we pull into Hop-In mum asks me if I was gay and if I liked girls or if I screwed anything. Why are you going to ask me this all the time? I am straight and I do like girls. Mum: Well you don't act like it..... Me: -_-

She's worrying about me when her daughter is possibly going to end up pregnant by time she graduates. If you saw her crack shorts she had on the other night while she was out guy hunting with her friend in Warner Robins at some fireworks thing. They were literally as long as an index card going on the long side..

I had to stuff my food down at the gas station and throw it away before we left. Mum came back acting all happy and snooty. Mum: Hey Hey Hey I got more numbers nooow! :D Me: So.... Mum: Hey you got a pimple there *touches*. Me: STOP. LEAVE ME ALONE! Mum: What's wrong with you? Me: You...

Then she goes into a rant of how I act spoiled. I reflect in my mind to others and I'm not spoiled as a lot of other people normally are....

So I'm in a p/o mood because I had to listen to my mum get knocked against a wall all day and I'm suppose to act like a normal kid. How does that equal out?

I'm straight, heterosexual, and I don't know how to act anymore. I get told one thing then another. I don't act "normal" because I don't know how normal people act. I'm always confined to the house to be criticized and judged by mum. It gets to me on a deep level that I just don't do anything. That's one reason why I wore pants everyday from 7th to 12th grade. I had a constant fear of what my mum would say about my legs because they were really hairy. She always picks to the max. That's one reason why my aunt went back to Alabama but that's another story. I'm afraid to act like other people for judgement of what mum will say and Rachel takes after her. So if I don't get it from mum that means I'll get it from Rachel.

That's why I always wear socks. Because I always have a constant fear of what mum will say about me and why did I suddenly stop wearing socks. She will call me out and just pick at me joking around but will keep on about it. I don't like what she says. When Rachel and mum are together (it's rare, which shouldn't be..but everyone now goes against the divorce rules) it's worse. They double team me, laughing and talking about me. I hate it.

I hate how things in my life have gotten when things are also equally going semi-decent. I try to get a job through RESA and mum had to get a paper sent through her work. But she didn't feel like filling it out. :'( She's been wanting me to get a job all year. Here's my chance and she doesn't go for it. She's like, "No that will cost me $40 to do that. I'll just give them my check stubs". She didn't go down to RESA. I ask her about it and she just says, "Oh well. Find something else."

I hate it when I see people will normal families or ones that take advantage of their family when they have it so good. Sure I may get stuff every now and then but just because I have it doesn't mean I enjoy it. Money only gives you greed and leaves you with sadness and nothing to fulfill you.

I know I have a sad and pathetic life. I always go for attention because I've been neglected of it from my parents for so many years. It's taken me at least 17-19 years to grow the brainpower to figure people out and decipher them from the inside to out. Ever since my mum went to college she has become a totally different person. The divorce just brought out different parts of her and expanded them to high new levels. Since the divorce I've just learned to keep my mouth shut when I have nothing to say. No one said that my brain couldn't be quiet though. Be thankful for what you have and let everyone know that you keep dear to your heart know it. You only have one chance to live and each day that passes is one that will never come back. You forget something one day, doesn't mean it is always guaranteed to you the next. The same comes when your life and you shouldn't waste it away because the world tries to break you. Glue the pieces back together and keep going, it's a long way back to the nearest glue bottle.

This isn't another depressing blog entry. I know that I have way to many of those and I need to revamp this layout or something so it doesn't look the same. Since I have so much free time now and less stress. :]

I just finished reading some blogdrive "gracenote" :]. You know what I'm talking about haha. I took off Javascript, like you said before a long time ago and went to view the source and it was plain in sight. :] Thanks to you-know-who. :] XDD

But after reading some old blog posts from the past of another person. I was reminded how simple high school was and how emo we all were. We complained about our new multi-million dollar school and how are teachers acted and how life was in general. But everything was just so much simpler. We had a fixed schedule and we didn't have to spend our own money all the time, like on gas or lunch eating out. Everything was made all we had to do was get a ride to school or catch the bus and not get in trouble and do our work. We just had to listen to what we were told, half the time we didn't know. haha.

But now college is just totally the opposite. You don't really see the same people you used to see all the time. People are trying to finish school and leave home for good or so they think. In high school you start to see people start in relationships and see the results of what happens to them in their relationships. Now in college you see how people really are and how being on their own or well some of them has effected them. They are doing drugs or having way to much pleasure for their own good. This is where it seems people are growing up way to fast.

I look in the mirror and I see myself as the same person that I was back in ninth grade. I wouldn't say eight grade because that was a slightly different person haha. But I still look the same (plus or minus with the retarded hair) but inside is the same, it's just my mind has became more broaden of intellect. XD I guess it's a good thing that people see me as looking like a sixteen year old when in a few months will be at the age of twenty. Yikes. :/

College just sets you up for life on your own and how you will live your single life with friends or until you meet that certain someone and then if you're lucky the right person for marriage. Then that will be the next major life step.

I know parts of me will never grow up and I can't help that. It's who I am. I love to make people laugh and watch kids shows. Well the normal shows that come on Disney and Nickelodeon like Zach & Cody and iCarly. XD

It's strange that my sister is getting along with me more now and less arguing and screaming. I guess because of all the many times she didn't see me when I was busy with school at mums house. She got to see life as an only child for once. So now we watch TV all the time and watch YouTube and make some videos that are crazy. I wish that I had a normal white sister though one that is fitted to see in one race retrospect. Meaning I wish she didn't like black guys or their culture as much as she does. I'm not being racist by this statement. It's one thing to listen to one rap song but to go out learning all the dances to all the songs and going farther into their culture. Bleh.

Ok. Well mum got her haircut decently today! I fixed Hannah G's iPod that she won at the Parent Kid Connection this weekend. That's where I got to meet Judson Laipply, the guy that does the evolution of dance video on YouTube that is the most watched video in YouTube history. Yeah, he's really cool and funny. I got paid $65 on Monday. Why? Because I was making this website for Courtney J and she paid me $40 but I think she really wanted to give me $30. The website looks a little down from what I can do but she didn't give me anything really to work with. Mrs. Buffy paid me $25 for making this video for her so she could give to her mum for Mother's Day. It was really cool and they all enjoyed it. :] I wish I could do this all summer. At least now I have enough money to buy Sims 3 with!

I got to see Angels & Demons with Mindy H at the movies this Sunday night. The movie was pretty much awesome, even though I missed the first thirty something minutes of it. I didn't agree with Tom Hanks character though but Ron Howard did an awesome job of directing the movie. This is neat that I just found out from IMDB that this movie was actually suppose to come out in 2007 but was affected by the Writer's Strike and everything had to be postponed. XD But I didn't have to pay for my movie ticket. I have no idea why. I thought it was neat though maybe because I got there kinda late and I knew the guy at the counter and he's cool.

Usually every summer I replay a Zelda game but I just don't feel up to it since I've been waking up so late in the day. X_x; I accidentally deleted my Twilight Princess saved game files while trying to hack the Wii. I didn't want to screw it up so I stopped and I did something wrong and thus killed over 70 hours of wasted time playing and replaying that game. *sighs* So now I'm just trying not to become a fatty and play DDR and WiiFit. Yeah, I need a life. Help me someone. -_- haha

Title tells everything, go figure.

I've had a great week but up until I found out grades really shows that I have no idea of how to manage my time at all. I really don't feel like saying what I didn't do so well in but I'm disappointed in how in the world did I get a B in Computer Literacy? I don't think my teacher liked me that well, always was the first one out of that room in less than 5-10 mins on test nights.

I got a well deserved and fought for B in Geology. That is one tough class but really fun and remotely easy. :] Acting class was a good deserved B. It would've been better if I were more open at the beginning of the semester in there instead of a turtle stuck inside my shell.

I'm thinking about taking Spanish next semester. I would love to take French but I thought about it and I don't have anyone to really help me with it besides Mindy or Rebecca. If I were in Michigan, I would probably have some family help. Well I'm not sure how many of them still speak French. Grandpa was the last one that I knew of that spoke it fluently. Daddy said that when he and his brothers got Grandpa mad he would curse at them in French. XD

Other than that I need to take some history class of some sort and I'm thinking about Theatre Appreciation and some other classes that I need. I have no idea really. :/ I just hope that I can still have financial aid otherwise I have no idea what I'm going to do. I know one thing for sure. It will be impossible for me to even try to think about having a job during school. I just simply can not handle it, grades speak for themselves and I didn't have a job but kept myself busy with too much time hanging out with friends. :/

Yeah. I just really feel out of the loop. I'm not used to being out of touch with people. I'm used to seeing different people all the time and talking to them like in high school. But now that rarely happens. I'm just slowly becoming more of a hermit of how I know I'll end up being like. I thought that my "friends" that I hang out with multiple times each week would call or text to see how I was since I didn't go to any of their hang-outings this week. They say that we should keep up with everyone and ask how they are. Umm this doesn't happen. I'm always the last to find out everything in the group. I gave up really caring for them since I'm always by myself with them anyway. No one really wants me in a conversation. Blah. This is stupid, this is middle school, this is emo. I shouldn't be affected by this but it just shows how much of a life I have, which is hardly one to see...

yeah....I should've hit publish on this thing about an hour ago. No hurry. Nothing to do. I'm just emo because of my grades and stuff. I need a cheerier update soon. Hah, I have plenty of time.

I feel closer to those around me or that I became enclosed in their circle. Within this circumference I feel like an atom being thrown to the edge at such a fast pace. The bug that hits your windshield may be an extreme example or like the rain drop that falls so far from the sky only to hit the ground.

I dunno. I like someone but that's nothing new. It seems like a match made but I think I'm just over thinking that to a degree. So I've given up on it like pretty much everything else that involves that part of my life.

Just as I get closer to this circle of friends I learn more about how people are suppose to act. People cluster with friends they've had for years. I look around and think to myself and reflect at the friends I've had. I haven't really had any, to be honest. Only very very few good friends that I could trust and haven't left me. I can only think of two at the moment, that have been there for me...Mindy H and Shirley. Blaaah.

I also get sad when I think about how my life sucks. I haven't had a guy best friend since elementary school. My best bud at the time was Matt H up until sixth grade when his parents divorced. He moved in with his mum with his brothers. His dad eventually lost his house and land. They moved. There went my friend that I had for wow, so many years, I guess six or seven years. Once he moved he got involved with drugs and other things that aren't good to see or do.

I feel like I have missed out on so much of life. I hear about how people had all these friends and stuff. I was never invited to birthday parties. I tried to have some. I really wanted one when I was turning eight. I invited a lot of people. No one came. We even bought decorations and everything. I had an awesome cake. I was so sad, I cried so much that day. My birthday is six days away from Christmas. I even cried as I opened on of my birthday presents, which was something I wanted so much. Prince of Egypt collection thing, with a movie ticket, book, and VHS tape! I was going through an Egypt obsession at the time but back to the point. I lived out in the middle of no-where.

Kids always picked on me in elementary school. Some people that I talk to now even admit to being mean to me back then. I've just always seen it so unfair that kids I know get to hang out with their family, like outside their mum, dad, siblings. I never get to see my outside family. I have a broken inner family, I guess you could call it. My mum, I'm not sure what to say about her. She always fights with her sisters about one thing or the other. I can't see my family on her side because of stuff she does to anger them and vice versa. I wish that I could see my dads side. I have so many cousins on that side and they seem like really cool people. I wouldn't know. They live in Michigan.

Then this is where things to me get confusing. I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart and life in 2007 sometime in the spring. I know I haven't been steadfast with my Christian life with Him. But I've tried to the best that I know how. I wouldn't call my family a Christian family. My mum says she was baptized Mormon when she was little. That is an occult anyway. My dad was brought up and baptized in a Presbyterian Church. He didn't really bring us to church much growing up. :/ My sister is a lost cause, following everything that there is to sin wrongfully in this world. She's a mormon as well. :/ Then you have me, here. Trying to life a Christian life. I see it as a wild, rare, white flower growing on the side of an active volcano. Every now and then a lava flow comes out and I'm crushed and have to repent to come back into the Light of the world. But a lot of the time, I'm crushed as a dead leaf into the ground for what I stand for.

It upsets me so much at church when people assume that everyone that goes to church comes from a church family. These people have gone to church their whole life. I've always wanted to go to church. I remember the summer of '07 I was so happy to be at church. I didn't hear my mum screaming at me for something to do or having to sit in that bad posture chair for the computer or have my sister yell at me for something. I've always yearned to go to church but I've never had the opportunity until after lots of begging to get my parents, which ever one, to bring me. It just really saddens me at times.

I often come across blank in a crowd of people because I have no idea what to do. I love to be social. I guess that's why I added so many "friends" on MySpace, as some psychological thing to make me feel better or important because I had more friends than you did. Because I, in reality, didn't or don't really have any. I don't know how to react around people at certain situations, I'm clueless. Thus, meaning I will be a hermit the rest of my life doing what I know how to do best. Serving others. I've found it more rewarding to make people smile or have a sense of knowing what I'm doing is affecting someone in a positive way. I always try to keep a smile on my friends' faces or cheer them up when they're down. Because I know how that feeling is all the time.

You just have no idea how hard elementary school was. Why is your eye like that? What's wrong with you? I have no idea, my momma said this is how I was borne. I'm not sure. Actually, I have ptosis on my left eyelid. Meaning that the muscle in it, wasn't fully developed right when I was borne. The muscle is dead and just sits there keeping my eye to droop. I hate it when people say I have a lazy eye. It drives me crazy because I have 20/20 vision and my eyes are straight. Lazy eye is a condition where one eye ball turns the opposite direction as the opposing one. The person looks at you straight on and the other (lazy) eye is looking to the left or right of you. It bothers me so much now though but thankfully not many people say anything about it. I always say to people that I want plastic surgery. They say, "No! You don't need to! Nothing is wrong with you! I like you for how you are. You're unique like that!". I want to say to them how I feel about it so badly. Because it just affects me so much. I would give up my piano and MacBook and anything else technologically related for a year if I could have plastic surgery. I know this is how I was made and that I shouldn't worry about it but still.

I know how people work. I can see through people better than a lot of people I know. I have plenty of experience with this. Hah. In the crowd of people, I'm the quiet observer. I just usually listen to peoples conversation. Why? I've always done this. Mum would and still does always talk on the phone to random people for hours. When I was little I would lay on the bed beside her and just listen to her talk on and on. Sometimes I would fall asleep. I didn't have anything better to do, no one to play with. No one liked me anyway. So now, yeah. I don't know what to say or do when I'm around people. So I just study how people act around other people. How their facial expressions change and tone of voices and body gestures, especially how people walk. It sounds strange but what do you do when you're bored and you're desperately wanting attention but not wanting to put out a flag to show it. I don't like it when I get attention, I hate to be the centre of it, but when you do have it; it's nice. I probably contradicted myself, oh well.

So the only thing I've found so far that I can see that will keep me going in life is just to see a smile. That is the best thing. I remember a skit type thing at 4-H Camp Jekyll Island in 7th grade summer '02 or maybe it was 6th (sometime near here). They had a piece of paper with a smile on it. They acted out with the different counselors of people saying mean things to the paper (representing a person) and each mean thing put a wrinkle in the paper. The next person would flatten the paper back out by saying something nice or something mean after that. Eventually, the end person said something to the effect that everything mean thing we say leaves a mark in a person. Then maybe I'm thinking of something else too. But just one smile is contagious and it changes peoples lives, whether you know it or not.

I want to take each wrinkle in my life of wrongdoing that's been done to me and turn it in to a smile to pass on to someone else. Sounds cheesy, oh well. I've been hurt so much by so many people, that at times I let it go by. But then it just builds up at other times and I have to release it through something, usually playing piano. I just want to turn everything that has gone wrong in my life and turn that around 360˚ for someone else that has a dark rain cloud over their head.

In this world now-a-days I sound like a complete fool. A world that is easily pleased by things that are only temporary that they give up on things that are eternal or something to have at a later time. A world where laws are a thing of the past and morals are just like fairy tale rhymes that have grown dust on the back shelf of the library. A world where they live in the now and instead of a later or wait a minute. A world where everything is seen in lust and deceit. A world where a true and pure heart and soul is an extremely rare thing or creature to find. Almost like a diamond in a bowl of chopped/broken glass. A world that is speeding up on its way to destruction and an ultimate end. A world where everything is chaos and peace is only a myth. A world where no longer a man and woman are the centerpiece of human life. Instead is boasted by wrong and end, which later down the road I guess the surviving families will have some hope left. A world where it is wrong to have faith in an ultimate Creator and only things discovered by humankind or by hard fact evidence should be the only importance to your life. A world where right is now wrong and made a right instead of the once opposite.

My life is only so short compared to that of the eternal that we are all destined to see. Whether it will be joy or utter dissatisfaction is made up to how you live your life and what you believe.

Sorry that this entry is so long and so confusing at parts. I know parts are really out of place but it's just a lot that I've been thinking about at the same time for the past few weeks. It's really been bothering me, that it feels so much better to have this all out. Even if this did take about an hour to write. Hopefully I can finish my first draft on my final paper in Comp II over A Doll's House in the morning....Let's hope.

Hey, again. I finally managed to come back. I have found some free time, well I'm missing my show Lie To Me but it's alright I guess. I need to blog and I feel better about school work mainly because I understand what is going on in math class. Other than that my stress level this week has been on crazy extremes.

To start the week off was an amazing Sunday morning and afternoon and partial evening. I got to hang out with some awesome friends such as Alyssa, Trent, Brett, Andrew then later was Becky, and Matt. Well I think things started forming in a negative atmosphere when we were playing Frisbee at church about 3:30. I can't throw the Frisbee at a normal speed in a closed in space because we were so close together. People were getting aggravated with me throwing it away from them or something like that. So I got to the point I would make people run for it, if they wanted it. Or if I were lucky I would try to hit them with the Frisbee. ^_^ Alyssa fell down backwards, I have no idea how. I hit Becky once and almost a few more times.

[skips dt and evening service] After the business meeting everyone decides to go to Zaxby's. This is usually my cue to go straight home because I never really have money or care to go there. I don't like chicken, long story sorta. So this was my mistake for the night or the cause of sadness for my week. It didn't get bad for me until after everyone was eating and conversing and such. (I ordered a plate of fries :] haha) Becky, Trent, and Alyssa were basically calling me strange and other names or implying them towards me. I couldn't think of anything else to say. I mean, I was acting normal trying to cut up with people, be random and make people laugh. I finally felt comfortable with everyone to expose this much of my inner me to them. Then when that came towards me I felt attacked. After that my socialness towards everyone just dwindled to nothing. :/ Everyone kept talking, we eventually migrated our group to standing outside the building. I felt shunned from the group because Matt kept making the circle smaller. Becky and Alyssa kept laughing and well everyone was ignoring me pretty much. I didn't try to say much because I knew it wouldn't fit in to the group's conversation. One other thing that stung was something when Becky was asking people that never text her back. I said that I text back and she gave a look and said something. :/ (*Thinking to self, "Sorry...."*) I just felt emotionally, verbally, and nonverbally attacked by B, A, and T. (wow, BAT...haha didn't go for that effect.)

They didn't know it though, they couldn't see it. It hurt me so much inside, I have no idea why though. Probably because I felt shunned and made fun of by people I have grown to like the past couple of months. Almost like the time when mum said something like she didn't love me anymore or I wasn't her son but that's a different story. So yeah. Monday morning comes around and I still have no life in my face. I got to school early for once. Arrive at school about 9:10ish. Well I remember sitting in front of my classroom door about 9:15 A.M. Some other people come in and Amanda, Rebecca, and Jessica come in off the elevator. I was happy to see them but my face didn't show it. They were talking and stuff and noticed that I was staring down at the floor with no emotion in my face. I was seriously blank. -_- Becca made me laugh though when she layed all over the floor to ask what was wrong with me. If you only saw what she was wearing lol. I would describe it but I don't want to sound like a perve.

Well that day got better. Brett texted me later that day to remind me for viewing at his house like every Monday night or at Becky's. I didn't go because I didn't want to be around Becky or Alyssa or Trent (I knew Trent wasn't going because he was tired from his job). Becky texted me before Chuck began asking me where I was but I didn't reply. I know it sounds retarded but I was mad. :/ I sorta ignored her tonight at choir practice. Brett cheered me up some tonight, whether he knew it or not. His crazy singing cracking me up.

So yeah Wednesday. Today was pretty cool. I got to eat an amazing lunch at Scott's. Mmmmm an amazing cheeseburger, they forgot the mustard but I didn't care and the fries were a very nice compllment to the cheeseburger. :] After that got back to school for acting class and things were nice. We watched people do cold reads for their scenes and then Dr. Downs actually let us leave early. Lizzy and I tried to work on our scene to break it down into beats but she can never focus much when we're together. We're always talking about something else.

So College Algebra was actually decent today! I actually knew what was going on, which I loved. I still didn't want to look at my teacher. Because he threatened in the last class period to drop some people out of class. I'm pretty sure that I was one of them because he looked in that direction. :/ So I made sure to do my homework, I just have another page or two to finish. After that class was 4-H meeting. :] It was good, I was thrown some news that I may be able to go to the National Collegiate 4-H Conference in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Because this other girl backed out and didn't want to go. All I would have to do is to pay for my plane ticket, there and back. I call mum on the way back home and she said no and to ask father. I call father. Well short story shorter (Mrs. Wiegert always said that) neither one of them had the money for it on such short notice. So yeah I could have been packing my bags and be on an airplane in 14 something hours. Oh well. I just hope things get better. :/

Here I am again, sharing my life, my soul with the world to see. Hopefully it won't in return hurt me. I sound stupid for saying this all the time, but at least it makes me feel better inside, somewhat.

First off to start. I had an amazing amazing day. I truly did. I woke up at 7 and took Rachel to school early, so I could get more sleep before I had to shower and get ready for school. So I went back and slept till 8. Got ready then left at 8:50ish. Get to school about 9:15ish and pass by Walker Hall and see Michael, Ton, Ashanta, and Alyssa. Ton was giving out some Asian candy, which was pretty awesome. Alyssa told me that she wasn't staying for the rest of the day after her first class. So no BCM for lunch today. :( She hugged me and said she was sorry and I told her that I was going to go home after badminton class anyway. Since the play is this week, Dr. Downs cancelled all her classes for today because of opening night for the play. I walk/run to the Wellness Centre and then find out by a guy in my badminton class, that class was cancelled. I was so ecstatic about this, I was thinking on the way there that it would be nice to have that class cancelled and to my relief it was. :] I mean I did want to go because we were going to start doing doubles.

So I walk back to my car and drive all the way back to e-town. Once I get to the house, I go in and turn on the TV and it was Dr. Phil. Some show about this occult in Texas. It was pretty interesting but still really strange. I was watching/listening to this as I was cleaning my bathroom. I was scrubbing the tub/shower and my sink. I haven't had much time the past couple of months to do this. :/ I had to open the bathroom window, to release a lot of the fumes and it helped out a lot since it was warm outside. After the suds are gone and the counters and mirrors shine I go downstairs to make some lunch, this was at 11. I cook some hot dogs and pork n' beans, one of my favourites to make and really easy at, too. I check the mail during this time of waiting for the hot dogs to cook. After slicing and dicing the hot dogs and adding them into the beans I head upstairs to watch some more TV. This time The Price Is Right comes on with Drew Carey as the host. I watch this while eating and some of the people were cracking me up so much. I was laughing really loud as oppose to the end of the day. It really made me smile, at those crazy people on there.

After I finish eating and bringing my bowl downstairs I take down some dark clothes to wash. I put them in the washer and return back upstairs to make up mum's bed and then mine. I then go outside to get ready to wash the red car. It was so dirty from going down the dirt road to daddy's house this weekend. It didn't take me long to wash it, I've gotten quicker at washing cars the past month or two. I decide to water some of the flowers. They were really dry and I know that mum hasn't bothered to touch them because she's been working all week. So I took some time to water them. As the last drops of water flood out the end of the hose I'm already up inside the house getting ready to leave back to school for my 2 o'clock Geology class. I leave and have my camera ready. I've started to take pictures lately of the autumn foliage and it's some amazing stuff, I love it. I pull into campus with some time to spare to get to class early. Class goes by real well, it was a lot of stuff into 4 1/2 hours but I liked it all the same. :]

I took some more pictures on the way back home. I need to get better at doing this. I was getting some good shots before the last rays of setting sunlight beamed down, this is the epitome of daytime for aesthetic creations in the eye of the beholder. So I didn't get back to mums house till about 5:30. It was quiet inside as usual, Rachel wasn't there. Mum was as always in her royal throne bedchamber. I walk up the stairs quietly and come into her room before I set my stuff aside and she asks to talk to me. So I go to put my book-bag, wallet, watch, and iPod Touch in my room. I come back in and she lectures me for how she wants to start saving for her retirement. I nod. She then gets a bit angry because she names out a number of things that she pays for me. All that I really see is the car payment and insurance. She hardly buys any food and when there is food, she doesn't eat it unless her boyfriend, John, is here.

I lay on her bed watching TV, it was the 5 the end of the 5 o'clock news and then Andy Griffith came on. She gets aggravated with me in her presence. She is talking to John on the phone about her financial status. She gets angry about something because I'm apparently not paying her much attention. She gets angry at me and yells lots of stuff out towards me. I go down the stairs. She gets to the point where she slams her brand new door for her bedroom. I say that I didn't understand what she meant. She comes back yelling again and saying more stuff, that honestly didn't make any sense to me. She jumped from one thought to the other in random order like in a dadaist ostentation. She gets angry at me because I am not understanding what exactly she is saying or meaning. So she gets mad and goes back to her room. I overhear her say something really hurtful so I go in the living room, to the left of the staircase, to cry.

I felt so confused and helpless all the same. She came to about the middle of the staircase with the light on, I could tell by her voice and how it resonated through the hall. I sat curled up on the couch crying my eyes out while she yelled at me, "Pack your bags. You're going to your dads house...since he hung up the phone on me. You're not bringing your computer with you either!". I don't say anything in return for a long while past. She screams other things towards me, "You're no child of mine. I don't love you anymore, not like I used to. You are stupid and no good at anything, you will never amount to anything. You are so stupid and wasting your time getting a degree in theatre. It won't help you out and you will be poor. I told you to go to school as a doctor, so you could rake in the money. But no you're just like your father, not wanting to listen. What you want to do is like a football player wants to get to being famous. It's a one in a million chance and you're not the one who will get to that place. You are wasting your time doing what you do. You volunteer all your time and all you think about is yourself. You are so selfish and lazy and I'm tired of it. Get out of my house."

What could I say to this? I couldn't say anything back nor keeps the tears back from falling down my face. It was hard to do. She also said, "Grow up! You need a diet plan and to work out so you can get muscles. You are so skinny it's pathetic. You are going to look so bad when you get in your 20-30's." She later told me that I needed to stop crying as she shut her door upstairs. I had not cried this much in a long time, probably a few years maybe or less. My face was so red, so were my eyes. My nose was a runny mess, getting everywhere. Once she was gone I went to blow my nose and try to clean up my face. I didn't want to go to choir and have people asking questions why my eyes were red. So I went to go play piano to calm my nerves. This was about 6:25, I sat at the piano and tried my best to play some of my favourite songs to get me back into the "happy/normal" me. I messed up, my fingers fell off the keys and hit the wrong ones and to me the notation looked like black blobs in my clear jelly tear filled eyes. It hurt to keep from crying but not playing to release what was inside hurt even more. I eventually finished with the long song and played three others.

Mother burst in and yelled at me to stop playing piano and to go upstairs and to hand her the keys to the red car, so I couldn't go anywhere. Mum was trying to turn off the lamp over the piano and yelling that playing piano was a waste of time and that it wouldn't pay off anywhere down the road. She went upstairs, where she thought I went. I had walked into the dark kitchen waiting for her to say something. Because it was time for me to leave to go to church for choir practice, where I know I needed to be and desperately wanted to be. She marched across the floors yelling this and that then came down looking for me demanding that I hand over the keys. I said no because I had to go to choir, she got mad and said not until I washed the dishes. So I did. She watched me do it, too. I can't stand to wash dishes when I'm being forced to and observed like a dying animal in the desert sun with the malnourished scavenger birds hunt overhead. I grudgingly washed her dirty dishes with the paranoia over my shoulder. I finished them while be lectured at more and more. She let me go to choir but before I left she made me hug her. I walked out the door to the car silent as a mute. I had no words left to say, what could I or should I say to her after all of that? I got in the car and as usual looked for a song to listen to on my iPod Touch. I left the driveway slowly around the corner and down the road. I probably went to slow. I tried not to cry anymore because I knew that I was going to church.

I pull up in the church parking lot, second to the right of the basketball goal. I make my way towards the church doors to go inside, to hopefully feel better. I get to the choir room and is a little lost as to what I'm actually suppose to do because we had to go into the Sanctuary for practice. So I go to retrieve my books and make my way down below and walk in, surprised by all the people. I looked like I had just saw the face of death. Later when I got home I saw how sunken my eyes were and how different they looked. I walked in front of everyone to get to my seat, underneath Mr. Clay's direction. I get to my seat in the middle of the song Joy In The House. Brett asks me what's wrong. I knew he was just curious and trying to be nice. I told him a lot of stuff. I hate it when people ask how are you and you want to make the conversation short and say good, when in fact you know that you're lying because you don't want to draw attention to yourself. I just whisper, "I have to much stuff going on." He didn't really say much after that because he could tell that I wasn't how I normally am. I felt like my aura had dipped in a glacier lake and not like the warm basking sun filled spirit I usually am or try to be. I amazingly got threw the songs, singing them without crying. I almost did quite a few times. Because the songs were pulling on my heart strings so much. I'm surprised no one else around me asked me what was wrong. I was glad that Brett did though, gave me a sense that people did care and that I do belong. Throughout all of practice I didn't have much of the heart to look at Mr. Clay directing the songs because I felt so bad inside, heart, torn apart, not knowing what next to expect. I did feel better leaving than I did arriving though. I tried to leave the crowd unnoticed so I could leave faster. I bumped into a few people on the way back downstairs.

Walking outside I saw Becky and she said hey. I replied back to her "hey" as well. My voice was half the volume it normally is. I was so drained not from singing but from earlier at mums house. So I kept walking, not looking to see if Becky was going to say anything else or not. I walked back to my car along the cobble-like sidewalk, waited for a car to go by and then crossed the street. I picked another song on shuffle to listen to, and then backed up and left. I got home and walked inside quietly as a mouse. I didn't have any words left to say or that needed to be said. I listened to some of mums phone conversation, something about her uncle dying. I'm not sure if I ever met him. She told Rachel and I that we were going to go to his funeral Saturday, way way away somewhere in Alabama. So I get to my laptop, and thinking that I will finally get able to write about my day in this blog, about midway through this paper my mother bursts in as to see what I'm doing. I quickly flash my screen to the dashboard, I should've hit another desktop screen first. She was eyeing down what I was doing like a hawk and I tried to show her the paper that I had to go by for doing my oral report for Theatre History. She then started poking my arm, and I always get jumpy and I freak out when she touches me like a shoulder poke. Gives me bad memories of when people would jump out and scare me, so I get paranoid, never knowing what is behind me. Mum got mad at me and said that I was a freak and insane. I'm sorry but I don't like it when people get all up in my face, personal space, asking me what I'm doing. It drives me to the point of insanity almost but not quite. She then goes on another lecture type speech saying this and that. She basically said the same as before. I'm wasting my time getting a degree in theatre and lots of other stuff. She then enlightened me that she called my Youth Minister from church to come to the house tomorrow to talk. Great, now I probably won't be able to go to church anymore and he's going to think the worst of me.

So this is and was my day. I'm sorry that you had to read all this and that it wasted your time. I only wish that "the world was quiet here."

**I posted this originally on Friday, September 26, 2008 at 11:32 PM** I'm so tired of being the good person, always caring about others before me and then get treated like dirt. I worry way to much about how some else is before I worry about myself. I don't know that's just how I am. Ok, so the drill till my head explosion. I get home after going to the 4-H office, post office and Wal-Mart. I get home and ask Rachel to go with me to mums house so I can get my iPod, crap I forgot a stupid belt (*sighs* oh well). I had to bribe her with buying her McDonalds food to get her out of the house. We go to mums so I can get my iPod and books that I have to read for classes next week. We leave and go to McDonalds and Rachel is playing with my iPod and stuff, blasting music. *fast forward* We get to the high school after eating and getting ready for the game. I have to run around help random band people fix their uniforms and such. I help Ashley carry the box of plumes across the street to the old high school track. The middle and high school bands practice while dodging water sprinklers.


So, Ashley and I carry that heavy box into the stands, ahead of everyone else. *fast forward some* I see some of the middle school band kids and they stress me out after they start of some lame drama. This girl got mad at me because I wouldn't get her a coke and another girl because I wouldn't tell Mr. Clardy to let them play a certain song. Then they get all gansta attitude up on me. But before that I had to go to the practice field to look for Peggy's flip folder of music, it wasn't there, great joy of fun!


I help take pictures for Kayla, help her get down and off the podium. After half-time, I helped Mrs. Paula with food concessions and I got a free coke (it makes me hyper). It didn't really become stressful until after the game was over. Rachel and I leave to go to the huddle house. We arrive in the parking lot and come to find out that there is no where to park. So, I go to park in the parking lot by the church with the basketball goals, Carli parked there as well. So Rachel immediately gets out and talks to Lena, she borrows my brush. Rachel was so in a hurry to get there, (I hate being rushed) so I obsessively lock the door behind me and Rachel's door. For some reason, I put the windows up I have no idea why. I walk down the parking lot and then realize that I had locked the keys in the car. There I go caring for others before myself.


I call up mum on her cell and tell her what happened that I left my keys in the car, this is the first time that I had did this. Luckily, I put the extra two keys in the drawer beside the refrigerator. I supposedly woke her and she drove down there to give me the keys, I guess she told her boyfriend about it all because later he texts me and says, "Come sunday, a for sale sign is going on that car! no joke…..". So mum gets there and she calls me, I walk out the door to go see her to get the keys. I walk/run over to the car. I stopped on the sidewalk and prayed to God to please let these keys work and some other stuff. I put it in and it worked! I was so happy, some of the pressure felt lifted off of me but only for that short pause of praise.


Mum decides to stay at the Huddle House because she's hungry. The people at our table had already ordered so she didn't get to eat; she sat there gossiping like a high school girl. She got mad at me and raised her voice inside the restaurant and said that she was going to sell my car, not give me any more gas money, cut off my phone, make me quit school, pay back my financial aid money and threatened to send me to jail if I didn't. She said some other stuff to. I so badly wanted to scream. I raised my voice a bit at her and I guess I smarted off a few times but only because she had really annoyed me with the stuff she said. So then she starts saying stuff about me in front of everyone. She says, "God, you're so ugly. You look just like your daddy. You need to go wash your face, it's so greasy and your hair, too. You're a freak." She didn't say it all at the same time. Then she kept saying other stuff, nasty stuff to Carli's twelve year old brother. She thinks I'm not the right way and thinks that because I don't have a girlfriend that I'm not right in the head. I don't have much time for anything right now in my life. I start texting people like Jessie and Lindsay and Kayla, to try to escape the humility that my mum is saying about me in front of everyone. I just keep staring at my phone and my face getting red. I wanted to cry so badly right there and then. It was not right, in my opinion, for my mother to sit there and say all this stuff in front of people she just met and then call me names and talk about me rudely in front of me. I felt like falling off the side of the world or being thrown into a vacuum and never coming out. I just didn't want to be me at the moment, I was so hurt broken. I don't know what to think. I felt bad because I started ignoring Carli because she made a joke about Randy, her brother. Saying oh "He's going to marry Rachel." Then my mum goes around saying no, "He's probably going to end up marrying, Gary." I give her a dirty look and I couldn't help it my face got red, I wanted to scream. Mum told me earlier that she would get me arrested for yelling or something in a public place.


My mum always thinks the worst of me, always. I wanted to cry right there and then, I wish that I could've just exploded or spontaneously combust. I wanted to knock her out of the booth but I kept myself contained and I apologized to Carli afterwords when mum left. I was so stressed out from the days events to the football game to this and that and then mum just put the cherry on top for making my day worse. I feel so unsure about my future now.


I wish I were a vapor, this reminds me of that bible verse, James 4:14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." I wish I were that vapor so I could escape everyone's problems. I try way to much and do to much for to many people. Sometimes I wish I could just give up and let someone else run my show (life). I'm just a puppet, wishing I knew who was pulling my strings from above.

Mood: Stressed
Song: Harry Potter...
Place: fathers...

   Sometimes I just wish that I could be that invisible speck of dust you rarely see but it's still there and serves its purpose. I would much rather be there observing and learning than serving a purpose where all you get is directed around and told what others want you to do. I hate it when I'm on my own beat and get directed towards another motion and it's just completely opposite of what I was before. It just doesn't make much sense to me.

     I'm stressed out because of my mum again. I called to tell her that I went to go look for a job with Theris today when I was at band camp. We went looking at the D.C. News, M.S. Printing, J&J Printing, Eternal Prod., Board of Education, and Freds. Well for the first one I need to make a resumé and hope that I make it. Mum thinks that the newspaper job is a mexican job. I don't want to be the person that puts the paper together. I want to help how it looks, make it look better, and FIX THE GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATIONAL MISTAKES!! Gah, you know you're from E-town when you can read the paper and find mistakes all throughout in at least every edition. Off of that subject. Basically all the places I went to didn't have any openings for part time jobs.

      I want something that I can use what I learned. I don't want to do something that I don't do and then forget everything I do all the time. Then what was the point of learning it in the first place if I was going to forget it by doing something more mediocre. I'm not the one that sits there and lets something pass by. I am usually the team leader and wins with what I do. I'm the creative one in the bunch and when I get to work I usually produce my best stuff, especially with projects and anything creative. I admit I can be lazy and put stuff off but not if I have a deadline though. I want to work to get to my dream but every time I try to tell my mum what good is going in my life, like today looking for jobs. She always bursts my bubble and basically say she doesn't care and that I should work in the fast food world because that is where all the money is for the time being. That may be so but that is not going to help me make connections for the future. I'm not staying my whole life in hick-town. I wish that I could've went a head and left for Florida, even though I would've been probably living in a cardboard I really wouldn't mind it if I knew that what I was doing was going to get me to a better place in the end.

     I'm a very passionate and dedicated person that is complicated to understand or explain. I'm a deep thinker at times and get caught off guard pondering about something and then get laughed at for saying something wrong or stupid. I make my own beat that I play from day to day. It rarely gets stopped. :/..

   Mum is just insane. I want to say more but I keep getting interrupted by texting but it's ok. I give myself to much to the world. I should be more reserve with what I have or flaunt because all it is that I get used to much. Not much of what I do for others most of the time gets appreciated and it hurts. I will never forget what Mrs. Wiegert told me. "What you write comes from your soul, you're giving part of your soul to the reader that reads it." So yeah, here's my life on the lines that you see. You're taking part of me in with you when you leave. How? You read this and it sticks. I remember my sixth grade science/social studies teacher Mr. Fountain saying "A human can remember a sheet of paper by looking at it for about five seconds, you just have to use your brain to process and remember what it said" or something like that. What I say will always be with you for a short while or for a long time.

       Gah. When I make something that I work so hard on and I give it to someone I expect them to like it and love it. When they don't and they make a face or change of pitch in their voice (it's so easy for me to sense mood changes or how people feel about stuff) it's like my heart is in all what I do. Picture this how I do, my heart and soul are like a kite flying in the brisk chilly wind on the shore of a white sandy beach and a beautiful blue sky and bright sunshine. My heart and soul is what carries me through each day, nature is what inspires me and challenges me to soar higher than where I was previously. When someone is negative or negative energy around me, it's like a dark gale sets in off the the calm coast and just intensifies and then it's like lightning strikes and sets in. That strike of negativity or lightning is like a flame that triggers it to rain or cry tears, therefor making the process turn from good to bad. Like the opposite of what you see in a mirror or what you want to think about but happens. What happened to the kite in the story? It was struck by lightning, torn to pieces barely able to fly again or at least not as high as once before.

     I give myself to much to the world and I always keep getting shot down for what I believe in. I have to big of a heart to give and to get hurt. It's made me close what gets close to me or what I allow in because of how I feel about certain stuff or people. This world is so corrupt from what it was once before but if you think about it. This world has always been corrupt you can go back into history and find it, if you believe anything that's in the bible it's there, too. You can find it in the Koran or any other religion as well. Corruption always leads to no where good. Why do you think it's a miracle when you see someone so innocent and some weak rise to fame when they come from the slums of where you think it wasn't possible to be. I don't want to get into religion as it is. I just wish that Jesus would come back asap so things could end but in a way that is good.

   We live in a land where the younger generation that is slowly taking control of the country of where the majority of the population is the baby boomers and taking their retirement money. They are taking their ideals and implanting it into the minds of the nations next generation. How can they expect to operate if they don't know what they're doing now? You can't fix something that easily once it blossoms. The best thing to do is just start from scratch all over and if the way things are going now it will be like that later on down the road. We live in a nation where it's ok to screw around with your family and not get in trouble, mess around with your best friend of the same sex, oh it's totally find to have sex before you have a wedding band around finger (apparently it's the latest trend to have all the std's before you want to even think about being serious with someone).

     WHO will want you after you tell them that you've slept around with over 10 people before you graduated high school and maybe you had a kid or two along the way?

    WHO will want to look at your scars and take care of you for your meds of the diseases you've collected along the way and probably traded like pokemon cards?

      WHO will want to see you with the same sex as a couple? You can't do anything but basically plug each other and then you get tired of the same thing and move onto something else.

    THIS LIFE is not a game, but apparently that's how it's described to the media. In America at least it is TOTALLY ok to have a baby by the age of 16 and to mess around with the same sex while raising your child or pregnant with your child.

    What has happened to what was pure? Why do people have to follow their sinful desires? Why do people have to hide in the dark about everything?

     It sickens me to know that people like to hide away from everything instead of standing up for their own morals and ideals. It is so cowardly of someone to hide and waste away their life in the dark because they think what their doing is good at the time and it feels right. HELLO! Not everything in life is Oreos and ice cream! Yes, at times you will get hurt but you have to get up again in order to press on to make it better.

 One thing this country has forgotten about is learning from their mistakes. They go out and make the same ones again. It sickens me when a mind is wasted because of supposed "love" and drugs.

    Another thing is when it comes to religion. Why don't people want to believe in something that created them? They don't want to admit the fact that there is something else out there greater than them and that the world doesn't revolve around them. They hide in the dark messing with what they can only see there and they like because people can't see what their doing. Everything you do is recorded, whether from a religious or a scientific view or not. I hate it when people feel they are more authority than what created them. I know everyone goes through a rebellious stage but still living in that stage out of middle or high school is ridiculous, especially when they are almost grown living in the same ideals as the way they were before.

     What will it take for someone to wake and finally realize why and how they got here? It's sad to know that when Jesus does come back, and the shape that things are in now seems to make it that it could be soon, people will finally realize when they have their judgement day. They will know the truth and by then it will be to late. People don't like to hear what they can't touch or see. They see it as a lie and like to go for something that seems more reasonable to explain.


     Sometimes I just wish...